Acting AG Whitaker Swears He Doesn't Know Who POTUS Is
In a stunning turn of events in an already stupefying array of administrative screw-ups, acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker, who was ushered in to replace the unceremoniously ushered-out Jeff Sessions, has stated – even going so far as to as to say he’d swear on the Bible – that he has no idea who the President of the United States is!
The Orange Troll, who referred to Sessions as an “idiot,” has replaced him with what appears to be yet another idiot, albeit one with a bigger head. The primary reason: To stunt the Mueller investigation.
This is where it really gets weird: POTUS, prior to his disastrous Paris visit, and in between castigating the press, famously declared, “I don’t know Matt Whitaker.” This, as we now know, is just another lie, as the uber-mendacious Troll declared over a month ago in a “Fox & Friends” interview, that “Matt Whitaker’s a great guy. I mean, I know Matt Whitaker.”
Still with us? Let’s break it down, thus far: The demented POTUS doesn’t know – or does know – the man he appointed as acting AG, and Whitaker, said appointee, has no idea who the president even is!
Naturally, those of us at Flake News find this concerning as, no doubt, does our readership. Thankfully, we were provided with an anonymous tip as to where we could steal a few precious moments with the perplexed Whitaker, a proud Evangelical Lutheran and former Tight End on the 1991 Rose Bowl team for the University of Iowa Hawkeyes football team: A 24-hour fitness facility where allegedly, the AG spends a lot of time in the attempt to keep that end, tight. A losing battle, from all reports.
After passing muster with his handler, we shimmied up to Whitaker as he huffed and puffed his way through deadlifts, although we kept our distance as to not be dampened by the perspiration that ran in rivulets down his bland, Gerber Baby-like countenance.
Finally, after several seconds and displaying more than a little annoyance, Whitaker dropped the barbell and turned to us. “What?”
We took our cue and dove in, asking Whitaker if he truly believed there was “no collusion” between the Trump campaign and Russia.
“Trump? Who is Trump?” he shot back. When we pointed out that “Trump” was the President of the United States,” Whitaker replied, “Oh. I thought that was Osama. You know, the black guy.”
Oy. We pressed on, asking, “Mr. Whitaker, do you REALLY not know who
Donald J. Trump is?” His response: I’ll swear on the Bible that I don’t know the dude.”
He waited a moment then added, “Well…I do kind of know him, but I don’t. You know?”
No. We don’t.
Sculpted, molded, cast in latex. Wearable mask handpainted.
Art by Sharon Lee Rosenbaum. Copy by Sherry McGuinn