UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Trump Claims Macron Is Predator, Should Not Hold High Office After Leg Groping Incident

Trump Claims Macron Is Predator, Should Not Hold High Office After Leg Groping Incident

 

It was a dewy eyed President Donald Trump that spoke to a hastily assembled press gathering earlier today, and there were clear signs of recent crying in his puffed up bloodshot eyes. It was also apparent that President Trump was fighting hard to hold back the tears and to control his emotions as he spoke to the media.

“Macron is a predator and should not hold high office,” sniffled the president, “I have given what I’m about to say a great deal of thought before making this statement, but consider that I would not be doing my civic duty to the citizens of America, France and indeed the world if I did not come forward and tell of my experience with that beast.”

President Trump then went on to describe the horrific event he claims President Macron of France subjected him to when Trump was in France on a business trip.

“The circumstances were thus,” claimed Trump, after blowing his nose into a tissue then dabbing dry his moistened eyes, “I had just flown into town for a meeting with Macron. I was to be his guest for a couple of days. I can’t remember the details of where it was exactly or how I got there. I remember I had just arrived for the meeting and was feeling a little bit tired and disorientated from the flight. I do remember clearly that I had one beer.”

The president started to choke up with emotion and was given a glass of water, which he sipped at as he composing himself.

When back in control he continued, “Macron was there with some of his buddies, jabbering away in French. He sat me in a chair and he sat in a chair right next to me. I remember I still had my outdoor overcoat on. I remember I needed to go to the restroom but was too embarrassed to ask. Someone in the room asked me a question about defence, I don’t know why. I was a little taken aback. I wasn’t expecting it, so I spouted my usual nonsense about America being a long time ally of most European countries and how we saved the ass of the French, Dutch, British and some other craphole countries whose names I can’t remember, after they got into a scrap with Angela Merkel‘s tribe over something. After this I followed up with the usual ‘we don’t mind bailing you losers out but you have to pay your fair whack. I may have mentioned that I work for Putin now and told Macron and his pals not to expect any help from me if the Russians invade. I’d just finished speaking when it all went sour.”

The president then started sobbing and took several minutes to regain his composure before continuing, “Macron turned nasty. Instead of doing the usual and kissing my butt he said I was right. He went on to say Europe should have its own army to protect itself from the likes of me! It was horrible. I didn’t know where to look I was so embarrassed. Then it happened.”

Again the President faltered and needed time to compose himself before continuing, “He reached over and started to stroke my left leg, running his hand up the inside of my thigh and squeezing my knee. I felt so dirty. I felt abused and defiled. I felt like I was his plaything, cheap and ready. I felt like Macron was using my body for his personal gratification. I didn’t know what to do. I just sat there in shock.”

The President added, “I’ve heard these Frenchies drink a lot of wine, so he was probably bladdered, but that’s no excuse for what he did. A man’s body is sacrosanct. It’s his castle, his sacred place, not to be invaded by the wandering hands of some over-sexed French lecher. Macron is unfit to hold high office and a danger to any adult male or female with a pulse within arm’s reach of the man!”

The President was then quizzed by the press pack.

“Where exactly did this happen?” asked a reporter from the HuffPost.

“I can’t remember,” replied the President.

“Who was there apart from Macron?” asked the reporter from the French urinary disease magazine, ‘Oui.’

“I can’t remember,” said the President.

“How did you get home afterwards,” asked the ever present reporter from the UK comic, ‘The Beano.’

“I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know,” sobbed the President, “All I know is I had one beer.”

General consensus amongst the press teams afterwards was that something unpleasant had probably happened to Trump but it may not have been Macron that had felt up the President’s left leg.

However, a statement was made shortly after Trump’s press conference by Clown Prince Irritable Bowel Syndrome of Sadli Backwardia in which he said, “It’s plausible… and nowhere near as big a pack of lies as I came up with when I offed that two faced rat Khashoggi.”

 
Acting AG Whitaker Swears He Doesn't Know Who POTUS Is

Acting AG Whitaker Swears He Doesn't Know Who POTUS Is

Blue Man Group Receives Backlash For #BlueLivesMatter Tweet

Blue Man Group Receives Backlash For #BlueLivesMatter Tweet