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Trump Names Wife/Daughter Ivanka AG Sessions Replacement, She In Turn Names New Underwear Line ‘Lingerie for Legals’

Trump Names Wife/Daughter Ivanka AG Sessions Replacement, She In Turn Names New Underwear Line ‘Lingerie for Legals’


It was no surprise when cabbage patch AG Jeff Sessions got the chop from President Donald Trump immediately following the midterm results. It also did not shock the media when Trump appointed bullet-headed Matthew Whitaker as his temporary replacement. Trump, furious at Sessions for recusing himself from involvement in the Mueller investigation, was sure to appoint someone overtly against the Mueller thing. Whitaker has previously warned Mueller about looking into too many dark corners, for example the wealth of the Trump clan and its associates and where all the money came from. Heaven forfend the disinfecting light of Mueller’s inquiry is cast in that direction.

However, circus strong man Whitaker (you can just picture him in a leopard skin leotard holding an iron bar with a cannon ball either end) won’t last long. President Trump already has the AG job earmarked for his wife / daughter Ivanka.

Like so many egomaniacs throughout history, Trump wants a dynasty, and has the job of his replacement as President already marked out for Ivanka. But first she has to prove herself in high office, so the position as Attorney General is ideal for her to earn her spurs.

“She’ll make a dynamite AG,” Trump is reported to have said during a round of fantasy cyber golf in the Oval office in which, incidentally, he thrashed everyone else in the world including Tiger Woods, Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, Ben Hogan, Bobby Jones, Gary Player, Seve Ballesteros, Nick Faldo, Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, the Teletubbies, Pope Francis, and Superman.

“This new appointment came as a complete surprise to me when Daddykins told me about it in 2016,” said Ivanka Trump to a hastily assembled press pack at the launch of her new underwear range, ‘Lingerie for Legals’ in Trump Tower, “Fortunately I had the foresight to have my team of product designers work day and night for the last two years to produce this excellent new range of ‘justice-wear.’ The range has been designed for those in the legal profession that want to feel comfortably, stylish and just a little bit naughty underneath their outdoor clothes.”

The press pack was then treated to a catwalk display of some of the most bizarre undergarments ever seen in public, all at astronomical prices.

“I’m sure all you ladies and gentlemen of the press will want to place a nice big order with little ol’ me before you go,” squealed the delighted Ivanka, “… assuming you want to hang on to your White House press passes, that is. You saw what Daddykins had to do to that horrible man Jim Acosta. Wasn’t that just awful?”

Reaction from the Democrats has been swift. Almost immediately following the news, a statement was issued by Nancy Pelosi as follows:

“If Donald Trump appoints Ivanka as the next Attorney General then this is totally unacceptable. It is nepotism of the most abhorrent kind. What qualifications does this young lady have to hold such high public office? NONE! I genuinely fear for democracy in this great country of ours.”

However, Pelosi went on to add, “That said, those new push up bras she’s selling seem both charming and sexy… and her ‘Judge me not’ panties look as if they’d be really comfortable. True, they look a little heavy in the crotch but they seem nice and stretchy around the waist band. After a long session in the House you need something you can wriggle around in without having to overtly ‘have at’ your private regions with the world looking on.”

Reaction from Judge Kavanaugh has also been swift, with an order for four sets of ‘long stretch’ panties and a ‘Sing-Sing’ musical bra.

“They’re for my wife, honest,” claimed butt-lizard Kavanaugh when caught trying on his new purchases in the Supreme Court restroom.

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