Republicans, Democrats And Russians All Claim Victory In Midterms
Following an interesting and complex set of results emerging from the US midterm elections, all three elements of the contest claim success. President Donald Trump was hot off the mark with a tweet that said, “Tremendous success tonight. Thank you to all.”
Whilst there are some things to cheer the president, especially the increase in the Republican majority in the Senate, the president wisely ignored the fact that the Democrats gained the majority in the House. As such he can look forward in the next two years to pressure from the Democrats for him to a) release his tax returns, b) come under close scrutiny for all the wealth accrued by him, his friends and family gained through his office as president and c) demands for him to at last reveal his bald patch on network TV.
The Democrats, understandably ‘over the moon’ about taking the House and now being in a position to ‘tweak the nose of power’ have not yet expressed their disappointment that the predicted ‘blue wave’ expected from the midterms turned out to be more of a damp patch. However, this did not dampen the joy evident in a short statement read out to the press by their spokesman, Hugh J*ck*ss (formerly known as Beppo the sad faced gay mime artist).
“This is a terrific result for America and what really matters in this country,” lisped J*ck*ss, “The Republicans have made a huge song and dance about the booming economy, falling crime, control of immigration, the global warming myth and lots of other crap, but people went to the poles in unprecedented numbers to vote for what really matters to modern free thinking Americans today. That’s why we did so well last night.”
When pressed by the reporter for the UK comic ‘The Beano’ as to what this was, J*ck*ss yelled, “Transgender restrooms, you dunce!”
J*ck*ss went on to add, “If there are any switched on capitalists out there they’ll be piling their cash into plumbing companies. Now that we control Congress we’ll be pushing hard to have a third restroom option made available in schools, bars, public buildings, transport hubs and anywhere in America people may want to go number ones and twos. For too long there has been no option available for those of a transgender persuasion, i.e. people too dumb to know if they have or haven’t got a thingy down there, whether to sit or stand when they pee or whether or not to wear lipstick to work.”
J*ck*ss then mimed walking into a heavy headwind, being stuck in a glass cage then climbing a ladder out of it to half hearted applause from the assembled press pack.
In a statement issued from the Kremlin, US president Vladimir Putin said, “Overall I’m not too disappointed at last night’s results. I expected to lose the House. However, I was delighted with my increased majority in the Senate. Hopefully that should make lifting sanctions against me and my pals in Iran a lot easier.”
The statement went on to express a boost in confidence following the midterms and to predict the return of Trump to the White House in 2020.
“I see no reason not to predict a second term for me… sorry, my stooge. After all, I still have the ‘golden shower’ tapes so I’ve still got ‘old cheese ball head’ by the short and curlies. Providing he keeps on whipping up the red necks into a frenzy to keep the votes rolling in there’s no reason why I shouldn’t continue with my successful tenure as both Commander-in-Chief of the free world and my job back here as a de facto kleptocratic dictator.”
All copies of Putin’s press release were hastily burned after reading just in case they had been smeared with ‘unknown substances.’