UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Doctor Do Little

Doctor Do Little

Years ago I had to go through all kinds of absurd back and forth with my insurance company to get them to cover my migraine medication. Because they considered it a preexisting condition and the year was 2007. I remember thinking, “If it's this hard to get treatment for a headache I'm glad I don't have cancer.” A few years later Obamacare was passed and insurance companies could no longer deny health coverage for a preexisting condition. That was fun while it lasted. Sorry, cancer patients. Republican law makers don't care if you live or die. They're actively repealing that pesky law allowing you to get treatment.

Trump and his ragtag group of evil-doers are trying to be all sneaky about taking away our healthcare. However, through my super special top secret spy network, I've uncovered his devious plan to murder cancer patients.

The Trump Healthcare and Wealth Management Bill of 2019

First, just so know, folks, I didn't want to wait until 2019 to unveil my health plan. I said to my advisers, I said, "Look, why are we wasting time? This is a very, very pro-health plan. I don't even know if I'm going to want to run for re-election after my term ends in 2019. I mean, maybe there's a chance I will, but probably, I won't." Then one of my very top advisers, Scott Baio, said to me, "Mr. Trump, you have to serve a four year term." I said to him, I said, "Four years. Get out of here with four years. I'll get it done in two. The same way I build my hotels, under budget and ahead of schedule." I only gave Scott Baio a position in my administration because he said nice things about me and quite frankly, he needed the work. But if he's going to start making huge demands of my time, he can go. I hate to say it, but, Chachi, you're fired. ("You're fired" is a registered trademark of the Trump Organization.)

I don't know why it has to so long to repeal Obamacare, which as we all know, is a total disaster. My advisers were all like, "But, Mr. Trump, if you repeal it right away twenty million people won't have health insurance." So what? They didn't have health insurance before Obamacare and it didn't kill them. Those people will be much, much happier under the Trump Healthcare and Wealth Management Plan. Believe me.

Unlike Obamacare, which costs billions and billions of taxpayer dollars, Trump Health won't cost a cent. Not one cent. My bill is easy to understand. It has five key points and that's it. That's it, folks. Five key points to keep Americans healthy. Obamacare is thousands and thousands of pages long. I looked at that and I'm like, thousands of pages? Who has time to read thousands of pages? No one. That's why I, Donald J. Trump, am calling for a complete recall of Obamacare. Beginning immediately, all natural born citizens of America will be covered under the Trump Healthcare and Wealth Management Plan. Immigrants and illegals, which, in my mind, are really the same thing, will not be covered under my plan. I mean, they shouldn't be here anyway and I would have built the wall already if Chachi hadn't been wasting my time.

Each American will follow these five very, very important steps to stay healthy, wealthy and wise. Also, I, Donald J. Trump, have trademarked the phrase, "healthy, wealthy and wise." No one can use that phrase without paying me for the rights. This is why I'm one of the great businessmen, maybe even the greatest. No one had thought to trademark "healthy, wealthy and wise." It was just sitting there in public domain losing money.

1.) Stay healthy. In other words, don't get sick. People are wasting billions and billions of dollars on doctors and health insurance when they shouldn't even be getting sick in the first place. I have never been sick a day in my life, except for the heel spur or hangnail or whatever that serious illness was that got me out of the draft. Sickness is a sign of weakness. You think Hillary Clinton lost the election because of Russia? Wrong! It was the pneumonia. Everything trickles down from the top, folks. If our leader is sick then our people get sick. It's called contagious. Trump is the only one who can keep you healthy. Now, if you are already sick, stop it or die. Those are your only options, folks. Be healthy or be dead.

2.) Be wealthy. Most people who die from serious illnesses are poor. I'll let you in on a little secret, folks. There are no incurable diseases. You only need the money to pay for the cure. I know some people are saying, "But, Mr. Trump, I can't afford a Christmas ham and Tiny Tim needs an operation." Sad! There is absolutely no reason to not have money. None. So, Tiny Tim needs an operation. What do you do? You go to a bank and get a loan for five, ten million dollars or whatever an operation costs. And here's the part most people don't know, you don't have to pay back the loan. Sometime, probably six months to a year after you get the loan, the bank will come to you and say, "You haven't made a single payment on this loan and the interest is accruing." And you say to them, you say, "How do you expect me to pay that? We didn't make any money on this Tiny Tim deal." And the bank will say, "That's not our problem." And you'll say, "Come on. You assumed the risk when you agreed to this deal. Look, you lost some money. I lost some money. It's the cost of doing business. But hey, you get to advertise Trump as an investor in your bank. If you look at it that way, you're coming out of this way better than I am." They'll say, "What?" Then you give them an autographed copy of your book and leave. The next time you need money you get a loan from a different bank and do the same thing. There is plenty of money to go around, folks.

3.) Be wise. A wise man once said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." And that wise man was Dr. Ben Carson. I couldn't believe it. Could not believe it, folks. We were just sitting around Trump Tower going over my healthcare plan and he blurts this out. I said to him, I said, "Ben, why would you tell me that? You're a doctor. This will put you out of business." And he said to me, "Donald, when the Egyptians were storing grain in the pyramids for Joseph and his amazing Technicolor dream coat..." And I said, "Ben, who cares? People are dying by the hundreds and thousands because they can't see a doctor and you mean to tell me an apple will fix that?" And he said, "I didn't mean that in a literal sense." Give me a break, Dr. Ben. Obviously, he was trying to flip flop because he slipped up and told me a secret that would put him and all his little doctor friends out of business.

Now, I don't care for fruit. Never have. You don't know what's in it or where it comes from or who touched it before it got to you. It's disgusting. I eat fast food only because you know what it is. You get a Big Mac in New York. You get a Big Mac in China. It's the same. Absolutely the same. And you know what's in it. Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. McDonald's is a trusted food organization. Am I right or am I right? We need to eat apples, but apples are gross. What do you do? You go to McDonald's and you order an apple pie. It's delicious and it comes in a little cardboard sleeve so you don't burn your fingers. The last time I went into a McDonald's and ordered an apple pie it cost somewheres around fifteen cents. Can you believe it, folks? For fifteen cents a day you never have to see a doctor. And all that money was spent on Obamacare because Barack Obama was born in Kenya and, really, I think it's Hillary Clinton's fault.

4.) Perhaps, keep a first aid kit handy.

5.) Exercise is a killer, folks. Believe me. I am a very against exercise person. Always have been. It's true. And I'm in the best shape of anyone I know. I know these guys and they get up every morning and they go to the gym and they work out for like an hour or something. And they're like, "Oh, Trump, you've got to work out with me. It feels so great." And then these guys get to be around eighty years old and they just drop dead. Just like that. Exercise has never been proven to be a good thing. I mean, look at Arnold Schwarzenegger. Goes around calling himself Mr. Universe. All that working out and for what? His ratings for the Celebrity Apprentice were a total disaster. His ratings didn't even come close to Trump's. My show was the number one show of all time in the history of television. It's true. Look it up. I laid the ground work for Arnold to be a success and he totally blew it. I hate to say it, but he's a very, very unloyal person. Didn't even thank me in his first show and he voted for Hillary. Can you believe it? Former republican governor of California and he sides with Hillary over Trump. Arnold will go down in history as one of, if not, the worst governor in California's history. The crooked Hollywood elite has been very unfair to Trump.

So exercise is a complete waste of time, folks. I mean, my Nielsen numbers were tremendous and Arnold with all his muscles was a complete loser. Arnold had Boy George on his show and he had just died. If you can't get people to tune in for Boy George's final TV appearance... I mean, come on. Get this, Scott Baio, who is still here for some reason, is telling me his name is George Michael. Excuse me, excuse me, Scott Baio. Who cares? George Michael, Boy George, George Jefferson. What difference does it make what you call him? He's dead. All I'm saying is if exercise did any good, then maybe, perhaps, Arnold would have been able to save him.

 
HBO Fury At Trump’s Plagiarism Of Game Of Thrones Poster, Democrats Fight Back

HBO Fury At Trump’s Plagiarism Of Game Of Thrones Poster, Democrats Fight Back

Ben & Jerry’s ‘Protest Ice Cream’ Spawns A Raft Of Copycat Products

Ben & Jerry’s ‘Protest Ice Cream’ Spawns A Raft Of Copycat Products