Ben & Jerry’s ‘Protest Ice Cream’ Spawns A Raft Of Copycat Products
Following the news that ice cream manufacturing duo Ben & Jerry have launched a new flavour, ‘Pecan Resist,’ meant to celebrate activists against the Trump presidency, others are piling in on the back of the Ben & Jerry launch with their own new protest and celebration products. These companies admit to shamelessly wanting to cash in on the massive publicity the Ben & Jerry launch has brought about.
The giant coffee house chain Starbucks has just announced the launch of a new coffee product, the ‘Choppacino.’ This is basically a shot of strong Robusta coffee topped with milk froth whipped through with a red dye, supposedly to represent blood. A cinnamon stick in the shape of a dismembered leg pokes through the froth. A spokesman for the coffee house chain, Marketing Director Aaron Ajeestring, openly confessed that the concoction, priced at $4.99, was hastily put together exploiting the murder of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi to maximise falling sales.
“We sell coffee, right?” said Ajeestring, “We’re not exactly spoilt for new sales ideas. Once you’ve knocked out a few free ‘scrape the cup base’ giveaways that’s about it. So, when Khashoggi got the ‘chop’ we saw a gap in the market for a coffee product that celebrated the poor sod’s assassination.”
“Sales are up in Saudi Arabia but it’s yet to gain traction in the US,” admitted the overpaid marketing sicko as he sipped on a blood red frothy coffee.
But Starbucks’ effort paled into insignificance against the fast food burger chain giant, Burger King. The recent launch of their ‘Yummy-Yemi-Whopper,’ a sandwich that is basically the BK Whopper with the burger element replaced with a half dozen tiny meat patties, all shaped like dismembered limbs. The product that boasts a ‘Yummy-Yemi’ spicy sauce is meant to represent the suffering of the Yemenis at the hands of the Saudis from their continuing pounding using US bombs.
“We’ve made it very hard to swallow,” joked a spokesman for the BK burger chain, Donald McDonut, “Just like the Saudis explanation of the disappearance of Khashoggi. For every burger sold we’ll contribute ¢0.00001 to a scheme to save Yemeni scabby donkeys’ lives and send the moth eaten creatures to an animal sanctuary in Wales.”
The Mexican restaurant giant, Taco Bell, soon followed, exploiting the plight of the South Americans fleeing their countries in their thousands in the sad hope of crossing the US border for a better and safer life. The chain has launched a new Burrito product called ‘the Bulleto.’
This is a bullet-shaped burrito consisting of a flour tortilla wrapped around a savoury chopped beef filling. The filling contains human shaped pieces of meat that look like adults and children. Once a customer buys the product, burly men dressed as US border guards rush out, snatch the burrito off them, separate the children shaped pieces from the adult ones. They then take the adult shaped pieces into custody, and throw the children shaped pieces into hastily assembled cages to be sold on eBay later.
“We’ve tried to make the meal experience as realistic as possible,” said the CEO of the restaurant chain, Juana Eatinortakeout, “Plus, for every Bulleto sold, we will contribute ¢0.000001 towards rescuing all the scabby donkeys cruelly snatched from their homeland in the Yemen and sent to Wales. We’re hoping to raise enough to send them all back home again.”
However, the most bizarre new product launch came from the Planet Hollywood restaurant chain. They are marketing a new starter, ‘Gaza Sauce with Asparagus Surround.’ The product is meant to represent the plight of the persecuted Palestinians. A 20” wide plate is used to serve the starter. A tiny portion of Qidra, a traditional Gaza staple (Rice and meat pieces cooked with cloves, garlic and cardamom) is squeezed into the centre of the plate. This is then surrounded by approx. five pounds of cooked asparagus, each piece with the tip cut off. After serving the dish the waiter stands close by and fires rubber bullets at the Qidra. The restaurant chain is hoping the product will become so popular it will migrate to supermarkets and has confirmed Israeli retail food giant Shufersal has already placed an advanced order for ten tons.
Photo by Anton Porsche | CC-BY-4.0 International