WASHINGTON, DC -- First daughter Ivanka Trump was surprised earlier this morning to emerge from the shower and find Vice President Pence in the bathroom with her, wearing an old floral-print dress and holding a really big kitchen knife.
"Growing up, I got used to strange men watching me shower," Ivanka later explained. "But I was surprised to see Mike rather than my dad."
Vice President Pence, who at this time will only discuss matters with "Mother," sprang at Ivanka with the knife. She stepped aside, allowing Mr. Pence to trip over his own feet and become tangled in the shower curtain while she retreated through the bedroom to alert the Secret Service. He was later subdued by removing his matronly wig, which appeared to return him to his normal personality.
"Mike was very close with his mother," said Karen Pence, his wife. "She gave him a very moral upbringing where he learned the importance of respecting ladies and killing all the harlots. I can usually get him settled down with some tea and a toasted cheese sandwich."
White House staffers, who wish to remain anonymous, suspect this is why Kellyanne Conway sleeps with a shotgun beside her bed.
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