The Postman Always Rings Twice
Back when Mel Gibson was hot he made a movie called Conspiracy Theory where he portrayed a paranoid taxi driver. A decade later a cop made an arrest called Mel Gibson's Drunken Meltdown where Gibson blamed Jews for all the wars and claimed the Holocaust was fake. After decades of hotness Mel Gibson instantly became gross to millions of women around the world.
Earlier this year Quincy Jones gave a long rambling interview where he claimed to know who shot Kennedy. I do too, Quincy. It was Lee Harvey Oswald. Accept it, America.
Speaking of Kennedy, it is time we come together as Americans and admit he is the most overrated president in history. Calm down, Baby Boomers. I'm not saying he was a bad president. I know he was your “cool guy” president. But I think we all know his greatness has been highly exaggerated due to his shocking and untimely death.
This brings me to the MAGA Bomber and one of the many ways he is stupid. Had he been successful the Bradford Exchange would be marketing commemorative Hillary Clinton plates in time for the holiday rush. They would triple the price of the Obama plates they already sell.
Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to the MAGA Bomber and any would be copy cat bombers.
Dear Potential Murderer(s),
I know you hate the Obamas and the Clintons because they want you to have healthcare or whatever, but killing them will only make them martyrs. They will become legendary Kennedy-esque figures in American History. Before you know it, we'll have universal healthcare with no ban on pre-existing conditions. Is that really the future you want?
Best of Luck,
The targets of the MAGA Bomber were George Soros, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John Brennan c/o CNN, Maxine Walters, Joe Biden, Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, Eric Holder, James Clapper c/o CNN, Tom Steyer and Robert DeNiro. Of course, the real victim in all of this is Donald Trump. Just because he constantly incites his supporters to violence and specifically targets all the people the MAGA Bomber specifically targeted, people are blaming him for this. Who wants to live in an America where the president can't joke about the attempted mass assassination of his political adversaries? If you said, “Yes, that is the America I want to live in,” but you didn't vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016, you better be building a time machine. (Third Party Voters, I will never forgive you.)
But back to the Mel Gibson of it all. Trump supporters have come up with some wonderfully implausible reasons not to blame Trump for this. I shall share my favorites with you now.
1.) Hillary and Obama sent the bombs to themselves according to one old man outside a Trump rally in Charlotte, NC. And what about the DNA evidence connecting the MAGA Bomber to the bombs? “I guess they hired him to do it then,” said Old Man. And what about the other ten victims? “They were probably in on it,” said Old Man.
You see, everything can easily be explained away as long as you keep making it up as you go along.
2.) “I heard something about Bernie Sanders,” said a woman outside a Trump rally in Charlotte, NC. She offered nothing further to connect Bernie Sanders to these crimes, yet felt it her civic responsibility to share what she heard with a reporter on live TV.
3.) Ann Coulter claimed people of “immigrant stock” are more likely to engage in political violence. It sounds like Ann is trying to scapegoat Melania Trump. Ann, I know you have a weird creepy crush on Donald Trump, but getting Melania out of the way won't get you anywhere. You're in your mid-fifties. Trump's not going to date a woman who isn't even twenty years younger than him. Get real.
4.) The Taxi Driver Curse is something I am making up. Years before Mel Gibson played a paranoid taxi driver, Robert DeNiro played a paranoid taxi driver in the movie Taxi Driver. Inspired by the movie Taxi Driver, John Hinckley, Jr. attempted to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981 to impress Jodi Foster. And now the MAGA Bomber has attempted to assassinate Robert DeNiro to impress Donald Trump. Due to the Taxi Driver connection in both assassination attempts, we must conclude the movie Taxi Driver is cursed.
Fun Fact: The Greatest American Hero is a TV show that debuted in 1981. The main character's name was originally Ralph Hinkley. After the attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan, the name was changed to Ralph Hanley. Another fun fact is more people remember the theme song to The Greatest American Hero than remember the show itself. The popularity of this theme song is a phenomenon that cannot be explained.
Despite the delusions of Trump supporters and my long-winded excuse to work in the theme song to The Greatest American Hero, most people weren't surprised to learn the MAGA Bomber is a middle-aged white man who loves him some Donald J. Trump. And he lives in a van. And has a violent criminal history. And has a history of steroid abuse. I was surprised to learn the MAGA Bomber is a former Chippendale's dancer. For some reason, I've never thought of male strippers as tragic figures. You tend to think of female strippers as abused teenage runaways with drug problems, but I've never considered the life paths of male strippers. I've blindly believed they're all fine young men working their way through law school while making a quick buck at a bachelorette party.
Photo by Niccolò Caranti || CC-BY-SA-3.0 Unported