Trump Avenges Khashoggi, Bombs Iran
In retaliation for the murder of dissident journalist Jamal Khashoggi, President Donald J. Trump launched airstrikes against Iran. "We cannot tolerate this sort of brutal murder of journalists," the president announced in a special address to a gathering of elderly white Medicare beneficiaries at Golden Corral. "Unless they work for the New York Times."
The international community is shocked but not surprised. "Iran is the premier sponsor of terrorism in the world," said British Prime Minister Theresa May, on her way oversee another failed Brexit negotiation. Angela Merkel also commented, "After the Americans invaded the wrong country in 2003, we just all try to keep our heads down."
Stateside, the airstrikes were greeted with bipartisan approval. As usual. "If John [McCain] were here, he'd be happier than a hog in syrup!" declared Senator Lindsey Graham. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said, "I support this because it makes me look like a tough-minded centrist. We cannot allow the Syrians - I'm sorry, the Qataris - Who are we at war with this week?" She refused to answer any questions about healthcare or financial reform, before departing in a private helicopter.
James Mattis again reinforced his reputation as a stabilizing force within the Trump White House by drooling and snarling "Blood for the Blood God!" Mohammad Bin Salman, not an elected official or an American, but an honorary member of the Trump Administration offered his support for the president's actions. "Thank goodness this is distracting people from our genocide in Yemen, our shakedown of our own oligarchy to pay for that genocide, and our generally terrible record in every area of human rights." Thomas Friedman praised MBS as the "Lincoln-Washington" of the whole Middle East, "a beacon of freedom and democracy in that troubled land, as demonstrated by how many times I ate McDonald's in Riyadh."
No one in Iran could be reached for comment because the US State Department does not allow journalists to travel there.