Trump Claims Democrats Sent Pipe Bombs To Themselves, Saudi Crown Prince Says ‘It’s Plausible’
In a remarkable statement to an assembled press pack, President Donald Trump asserted that the recent spate of pipe bomb mailings to prominent Democrats is all a ruse by said Democrats to make the President and his right wing red neck supporters look bad.
“It’s an old trick and I saw through it straight away. You send something nasty through the post to yourself then bleat about how hard done by you are. It’s the midterms, so these dumb Democrats will do anything to upstage me, so I’m not surprised they’ve sunk this low.”
The president then went on to blame everybody in the world except him for the bad blood and divisions in American society between political factions since he started his campaign for the presidency and won.
“It’s obviously a scheme cooked up by ‘lock her up’ Hillary, that loser Obama, and that low IQ moron Robert DeNiro. If I had my way I’d string them up from the nearest lamp post after first publicly disembowelling each one of them and hiring in some Aussie Dingos to eat their entrails why they watch it happen through their dying eyes. It’s people like them that have brought the nasty rhetoric and violent language into politics and it’s about time it stopped.”
The president then turned his venom on the gathered press pack shouting, “And you lying fake news’ers don’t help! If I had my way I’d castrate all the male journos and have their privates stewed up and force fed to the female journos before beheading the lot of them. They’re always printing articles accusing me of using obscene and violent imagery and I’ve had enough of it.”
After making his statement the president stormed away from the lectern, kicking a small puppy he’d had brought in especially for the occasion.
When Hillary Clinton was asked to comment on the president’s outburst, she said, “He must be under a lot of stress. It’s a very demanding job being Commander-in-Chief and head of the free world. He perhaps needs a short break, a round of golf or a night out with his wife, Ivanka.”
Mr. Obama was not available for comment as he was hiding under his desk, but Robert DeNiro said, “I will answer this by reprising my role as Don Vito Corleone.”
The aging ham and greatest ever living actor then transmogrified in front of the press pack into the character of the young Corleone, turned around, shrugged his shoulders and said, “Whaddare you gonna do?”
It was a miraculous piece of character acting that brought a standing ovation form the fake news hounds.
Whilst his opinion was never sought, the assassin paymaster, proxy warmonger and de facto ruler of Sadli Backwardia, Clown Prince Irritable Bowel Syndrome commented, “It’s plausible. Well, about as plausible as that fat bugger Khashoggi getting into a fist fight in our Istanbul embassy dismembering himself and then burying his own body parts in nearby forests. If Trump can get away with bare faced lying then why can’t I? I’ve got a shit load more money than him.”
In a final twist to this bizarre story, President Trump has reportedly pointed out that none of the pipe bombs actually exploded.
“Not one went off. No one got killed or even hurt,” said the President, “It’s obvious. Hillary must have used Russian URG agents to build their stupid pipe bombs. Those bozos couldn’t even smear chemicals on a front door properly.”