Caravan Heads To US Border, Trump Hires 16 Saudis To ‘Handle Their Paperwork’
A second wave of immigrants from South America has been identified. This one is estimated at over 1,000 strong and is composed mainly of people fleeing the poverty and violence of Honduras. Coupled with the first caravan heading towards the US border this means that there is now an estimated stream of economical migrants totaling over 7,000 men, women and children likely to descend on the United States border shortly.
Whilst originally declaring the event of their arrival as a ‘national disaster,’ President Donald Trump has now downgraded this to a ‘minor administrative inconvenience.’
In a pre-prepared statement given to the press Mr. Trump said, “The United States is a melting pot of different cultures that has throughout its existence welcomed immigrants with open arms. America is one of the last bastions of refuge for those persecuted in their own countries for their political, religious, sexual or social beliefs, or those simply seeking a better life, hoping to live the American dream and help make this wonderful country of ours even greater. We’d rather not have the murderers, rapists and drug dealers, but in a job lot, what the hell? You have to take a few skanks.”
The statement was met with a round of applause from the assembled press pack. However, the president’s liberal and open minded stance was soon down graded to cynical when he followed up by saying, “These people can’t read or write. They’re real dumb, so I’m bringing in a specialist team to help them with all the immigration paperwork shit they’ll have to fill out. My loaded friend and accomplished liar, Clown Prince Irritable Bowel Syndrome has offered me some of his best ‘form filler inners,’ sixteen to be precise. The plan is this. We set up an immigrants’ welcome centre just our side of the Mexican border. We let these losers and their kids come across in ones and twos. Obviously we snatch the kids off them straight away and throw them into hastily assembled cages. We can sell them on ebay later.
Then the sixteen Sadli ‘form filling’ technicians will take care of the rest for us. I’ve equipped each of the Sadlis with their own private truck with disabled tracking devices, and given them a map of all the local remote desert areas, a shovel and a roll of black plastic bags. It’ll be a long job processing all these new citizens of ours but I’m looking forward to personally welcoming anyone left standing at the end of the process.”
When challenged on the true objectives of his plan Trump seemed irritated.
“Listen, you fake news morons,” he barked, “We’ve got enough drug dealers, rapists and murderers already, and there’s more South American cleaners, gardeners and fast food monkeys that you can shake a shitty stick at. What we’ve also got is too much desert down south. My plan is exquisite inasmuch as it solves both problems.”
When asked how, the President snapped, “You ever looked at a South American illegal immigrant? They may look skinny and half starved but there’s bags of goodness in them, all those beans and shit they eat. Spread them around the desert, give it six months et voila! A market garden! Then all we gotta do is hire a few wetbacks to work the soil and we’re into profit!”
The reporter from the HuffPost challenged Trump on the morality of the whole enterprises, pointing out that the mass murder of human beings on an industrial scale for the purpose of developing a market gardening opportunity would not be countenanced by the other civilized countries of the world.
“Yeah, but it’s the Sadlis doing the killing, not Americans, so it’d be okay. They’re real good at it. In fact, I’m thinking of taking a boat load of body parts they have on offer from the Yemen. It’d help speed up the process.”
When it was pointed out by the cub reporter from the UK comic, The Beano, that it was unlikely the US Senate would ever approve such a plan, Trump yelled, “Who the hell do you think signed off the sale of the US bombs and killing stuff the Sadlis use in the Yemen, you dunce!”