Independence Day: Rehabilitation
In a previous post entitled, "The Pizza Hut Amendment," I proposed a bill to reform the presidential nominating process. Once my bill is passed primaries, caucuses and conventions will be things of the past. CNN and Tom Hanks will make documentaries about them. These documentaries will look interesting and you’ll record them. You’ll watch them and be disappointed.
With the midterms only a few weeks away, it has become clear we need a bill to reform the voting process. For example, Republican candidates have been struggling with how to gain the minority vote while maintaining their racist platforms. Their solution is to purge non-white Americans from the voter rolls in red states. They've also passed voter ID laws in some states. Not only does this address the problem of voter fraud, which doesn't exist, it allows hundreds of thousands of Americans to be disenfranchised like the Founding Fathers intended.
The first voting issue which should be changed is the electoral college. The genius of the Founding Fathers gave us Presidents George W. Bush and Donald J. Trump. I believe the electoral college must be dissolved. Although, this puts me in a bit of a quandary. I believe we should be choosing our leaders with the popular vote. However, I also believe the Founding Fathers were right not to trust the general public because Donald Trump. We need to stop the stupid from voting. They 're screwing up America.
I am proposing we pass a bill to prevent idiots from voting. I'm calling it "The Irregardless, Conversate and Nother Aren't Words Voting Rights Act of 2018." All American citizens who wish to vote in the next election must pass a basic test of intelligence.
The Basic Test of Intelligence
1. Do you use words and phrases such as irregardless, conversate and a whole nother?
If you answered yes, you are banned from voting this election cycle.
If you answered yes and you are a person who complains about immigrants who can't speak English, you are banned from voting for life.
2. Do you wish to vote in the 2019 presidential election?
If you answered yes, why don't you know 2019 isn't an election year?
If you shrugged, you're banned for life.
If you attempted to make up an answer, I'll give points for trying and you may move on to the next question.
3. Do you wish to vote in the 2022 presidential election?
If you answered yes, I can't believe you fell for that after I gave you a second chance. You're banned for life.
4. Do you believe the children are our future?
5. Do you believe in climate change?
If you answered yes to question 4 and no to question 5, you're a sociopath and you're banned for life.
6. Did you borrow money from me to buy lottery tickets?
If you answered yes, you owe me four dollars. You’re banned until I get my money.
7. What blockbuster movie starred Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum as alien-fighting pilots?
The answer is Independence Day. Whether you answered right or not, you may move on to the next question.
8. What national holiday is celebrated on July 4th?
If you answered the 4th of July, what the hell is wrong with you? I literally just gave you the answer. I’m not going to grant you the right to vote based on your knowledge of Will Smith movies.
9. The final question is an essay question. What’s your favorite Will Smith film? Why?
If you left Question 9 blank, congratulations, you have earned the right to vote.
Photo by charles roderick from chicago, il | CC-BY-2.0