Donald Trump Hires Stoners To Deal With Venezuela's Poverty Crisis, Marco Rubio Is Attacked By Shark
US President Donald Trump claims to have an answer to Venezuela's poverty crisis in the form of three teenage stoners he met at Taco Bell. Trump told Flake News reporters that the pothead trio are "real smarts guys like me who know how to get the job done anywhere, everywhere and, yes, this includes Venezuela."
Nearly 90 percent of Venezuelans currently live in poverty under the regime of socialist dictator Nicolás Maduro. Trump claims that his three stoner friends know how to cure the munchies for everyone in this impoverished Latin American country.
"Those three kids are amazing. They sent boat loads of food over to Venezuela. I mean yuge amounts. Yuge," said Trump. "Sad. All the food that could have fed millions instead was all eaten up by Maduro and his friends. Well, I guess that's politics, right?"
Trump has also enlisted the services of the parents of one of potheads. The president hired the mother and father of a emo stoner named Enrique to set up a trade deal between the US, China, and Guatemala.
"This is one of those moments where Trump is being very offensive and has no clue whatsoever," said Enrique. "You see, my mom's ancestry is Chinese and my dad's Guatemalan and he thinks because they made me than they must have some international trade expertise between those countries. I don't know if that's racist or not. But I'm still offended. Like what the hell? That's dumb."
"You know, I've been in business for a long time, kid," said Trump to the young stoner. "Don't discredit your father. When you know how to cut a solid deal with China, and believe me, the Chinese are really tough negotiators, you belong at the table with the best, the top, the brightest, the smartest, yes, me. And the same goes with your mother. Those Guatemalans have amazing products and natural resources that are exported to this country every day."
Enrique was even more offended by the president's statement, but his parents told him to be quiet because they're being paid a quarter of a million dollars just to pretend to have knowledge about international trade. "Son, in life you'll see sometimes you just to have to shut up and take your paycheck," said Enrique's mom. "It's a fact of life, and more times than not your boss probably really pisses you off in one way or another, but you just deal with it, you know?"
Unlike the parents, the three stoners were very committed to their role in meddling with another country. However, each of their attempts to remedy Venezuela's poverty crisis ended in failure, as throwing money at the problem only enriched the dictator and his allies while the public remained poor and hungry.
"We keep sending those poor people food, but that Maduro dude keeps eating it all," said one shaggy-haired stoner. "It's like he doesn't care about his people or his body mass index."
Junior Senator of Florida Marco Rubio also attempted to aid the poor people of Venezuela, but he was attacked by a shark off the coast of Cuba. The senator was reportedly swimming in the Atlantic Ocean on his way to Venezuela with a knife in his mouth and a long string of assorted meats and cheeses tied around his mid-section. Rubio survived the attack, but was bitten on the left leg and had to be air-lifted to a hospital in Miami, Florida. However, the shark was killed in the exchange as it was shot down by an NRA submarine hired to protect Rubio.
Trump took to Twitter shortly after Rubio was attacked by a shark, writing that, "That loser Lil' Marco can't even hold his water in a debate. How the hell is he going to swim all the way to Venezuela to end their poverty crisis?"
The president sent out a follow-up tweet, writing that, "That junior senator, light-weight, couldn't even fight that shark on his own, let alone solve a nation's economic woes. He doesn't know what he's doing. I do. And believe me, I have the best people working on the Venezuelan poverty situation. The best people."