Ye Actually South Carolina Slave Owner Reborn
Nay to the Ye. In other words, a startling new revelation has come to light that explains why rapper turned fanatical Orange Troll supporter Kanye “Ye” West – a black man, the last time we checked – is now a crazy, racist MOFO. (Put THAT on a hat.)
At the insistence of his blank-faced, surgically enhanced, obscenely wealthy-for-doing-nothing wife, Kim Kardashian West, who actually summoned up the stones to suggest that her hubby “tone it down a bit, or no more butt and a serious cut in your allowance,” Ye sought out the services of a licensed hypnotherapist to help get to the bottom of his insane behavior. To wit:
- Ye’s sit-down with notorious homophobe, Yoweri Museveni, the president of Uganda, at the time of which he gifted him with a pair of (autographed, mind you) Yeezy trainers, which befuddled the 74-year-old to the extent that he thought they were for “playing football with.”
- Ye’s declaration that we should “amend” the 13th amendment. (Huh? Abolish abolition?)
- Ye’s recent loco turn on the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live,” where cast members and host Adam Driver were actually held “hostage” while the demented rapper let loose with a rambling, lengthy pro Orange Troll rant to a chorus of boos from the gobsmacked audience. To punctuate his deep and abiding affection for POTUS, Ye wore a nausea-inducing MAGA (Make America Great Again) cap.
The above-mentioned missteps are only the most recent in a long line of behavioral transgressions that, if perpetrated by anyone else but a “famous” rapper, would have landed the individual in a padded cell with a serious lithium jones.
But back to the revelation: The hypnotherapy session. Thanks to a Flake News CI, who posed as a temp in the office of Dr. Bernard C. Wallette, we have learned that Kanye West is NOT as he portrays himself: A rational-thinking African American who believes Donald J. Trump is the best thing since…
In actuality, this raving lunatic’s essence…his very soul…has been inhabited by the spirit of antebellum notable, Col. Joshua Stephen Burnside of Georgetown South Carolina, who personally made life a living hell for the 1,130 black slaves who worked his plantation, dubbed “Brookgreen Haven.”
During the nearly two-hour session, secretly recorded by our plant, Ye flip-flopped between nearly unintelligible mumblings to clear-as-a-bell declarations. A sampling:
“I’m the king of the rice planters dammit. Respect me or I’ll whup you… Those flapjacks weren’t up to par Mammy. Do better or I’ll whup your ass…Get back in the fields Mandingo or I’ll whup your ass… No prayin’ while workin’ James. For that you get an butt whuppin…” Like that.
Aside from all the comments about “whuppin” there were several murmerings involving “tappin’ that,” specifically the “sweet as chocolate” posterior of Ward’s favorite indentured servant, Ophelia, who was the unhappy recipient of the Colonel’s midnight ramblings and fumblings. If she didn’t submit? You guessed it: MAJOR whuppin.’
So now, how do we refer to this individual who, like the man he clearly worships, makes an utter idiot of himself on a daily basis? Kanye? Ye? Josh? WHAT?
Hold on. We got it: “NUTS.”