Khashoggi Alive, ‘Death Was Faked To Upstage Babchenko’ Claims Saudi Prince
In an amazing announcement made by a spokesperson for the Sadli Backwardian de facto ruler, Crown Prince Irritable Bowel Syndrome, it was revealed that the missing journalist and strong critic of the Sadli rulers, Jamal Khashoggi, was in fact fit and well. The announcement to the hastily gathered press pack assembled in a Sadli Backwardian theatre, was made not by the Prince’s usual spokesman but by the Prince himself, in the accompaniment of top American ventriloquist, Jeff Dunham.
The setting for the press conference was somewhat out of the ordinary as it consisted of the members of the press seated on benches facing a stage. A set of black curtains ran across the stage that were closed up till the conference began. At this point the lights were dimmed and an artificial fog machine started up. Through a cloud of swirling Carbon Dioxide gas, a spotlight fell on the centre of the curtains, through which Jeff Dunham suddenly flounced. Holding a radio mike and moving from side to side of the stage in front of the now re-closed black curtains, the internationally famous ventriloquist made the following announcement, mimicking the compere introducing a cage fighting match.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have an important statement to make on behalf of the Sadli government and this will be made by none other than… His magnificence… The one… The only… Crown Prince I… B…. Essssssss!”
At this point the curtains swished open to reveal what can only be described as a ‘set’ that consisted of the reconstruction of a room in the Prince’s royal palace as the backdrop, with a throne centre stage on which the Crown Prince was seated. On the Prince’s knee was a ventriloquist’s dummy but with the traditional wooden head having been replaced with the real head of Jamal Khashoggi. The head was unmistakably that of the missing journalist, and had quite clearly been brutally severed from the journalist’s body. Some sort of mechanical device had been placed inside what must have been the hollowed out head of the missing journalist, to enable the Prince to manipulate Khashoggi’s dead lips and eyes. The whole thing was a ghastly and macabre abhorrence, but the Prince himself seemed to be delighted with the result, bouncing the dummy up and down on his knee as if it was a small child.
The beaming prince then addressed the assembled press as follows:
“Lowly people of the press, you see before you the living proof that all these lies about that scumbag Khashoggi are false, and so, by definition, must be lies, aren’t they Jamal?”
To the horror of the press pack the Prince then waggled the head up and down and the word ‘yes’ appeared to emanate from the head of the dummy.
The Prince then added, “It was all a huge joke you played on these infidel dogs, right?”
Again the grotesque head nodded and the word ‘yes’ was ethereally heard near the dummy.
At this point Jeff Dunham moved centre stage. It was noted that the ventriloquist was wearing a jewel encrusted watch and had his pockets, trouser legs and sweater packed with $100 bills.
“Ladies, gentlemen and infidel dogs,” said the ventriloquists, “As you can see Jamal Khashoggi is alive and well despite all the false accusations he was murdered and dismembered in the Sadli embassy in Istanbul on the 2nd of October. It was all just a joke to upstage that prankster journalist pal of his, Arkady Babchenko and his famous ‘I’ve been murdered’ ruse. Just to prove this I will now drink a glass of water whilst Jamal recites the alphabet.”
To the horror of the assembled press, Dunham then produced a pint of water and started to slowly drink it whilst the hideous dead head of Khashoggi appeared to say, “Ay… Gee… Cee… Dee… Eee… Ethh… Jee…”
Unfortunately, at this point Dunham appeared to start coughing and the bizarre recital of the alphabet by the dead head of the missing journalist suddenly stopped. The curtains rapidly swished closed and the members of the press were hurriedly bullied out of the theatre by guards with long sticks and Alsatians.
When the news broke back in the US President Trump was quoted as saying, “Good to hear that fat big-mouthed troublemaker Khashoggi is alive and well. Let’s hope that’s the end of all this nonsense and we can get back to selling our top dollar Yemeni killing crap to these filthy rich sand lizards again with a clear conscience.”