Trump Pre-Blames Everyone Else For Expected Republican Defeat, Demands Russians Be Allowed To Vote In Midterms
Whilst expected, it nevertheless came as a shock to an assembled press pack when President Donald Trump unleashed a tirade of vitriol at everybody else in the world except him and his wife / daughter Ivanka for the expected abysmal performance of the Republicans in the upcoming midterm elections.
The anticipated ‘blue wave’ of anti-Republican voting is expected to sweep away the Republican party’s dominance of political power in Washington and across the country.
“I don’t believe anybody’s ever had this kind of an impact,” said the president about himself. This confused the assembled pressmen who thought Trump was actually at last admitting that he, singlehandedly, had ruined any chances of the Republicans retaining power.
However, when asked by a reporter if the cheese ball headed living comb-over and sex pest was finally admitting publicly to being a douchebag whom only rednecks and the permanently bewildered would vote for, the president flew into a rage.
“I’m not running!” barked Trump at the journo, “I mean, there are many people that have said to me, ‘I will never ever go and vote in the midterms because you’re not running... Admittedly they’re all Russian, but you get my point.”
The president then added, “It’s a disgrace that my core supporters should be denied their right to vote in the US elections just because they’re Russians and our nation’s longstanding enemies. Our electoral system is rigged against them. I blame crooked Hillary, the Democrats, people that vote for the Democrats, all the members of the UN and the people that live in their crap-hole countries, the Inuits, the Maasai, and especially the pygmy people of the Umpopo river in the north east region of central Africa… those losers have had it in for me from day one.”
“Sometimes I could curl up on the settee with my wife, Ivanka, and cry at how unfair it is, but that’s not what Donald Trump does.”
When asked what Donald Trump actually does do, the president barked, “Cheat, you numbskull! I have a team of the best Ruskie hackers working day and night to fiddle the results. But if that fails and we lose Republican seats our crushing defeat will be down to anyone else but me. I’m great and I know that. It’s official. However, despite this inalienable fact, not everyone loves me as much as me and my wife Ivanka do.”
However, despite the president’s assertions about his political enemies, this was not the opinion shared by some of them.
A spokesperson for the Inuits said, “Trump’s a great guy. Global warming is going great guns under his stewardship. In a few years I’ll be able to go fishing without my ass freezing solid. Let’s hope by then there are still some fish left alive. Vote him in!”
Further, the chief of the Maasai, Sahara west branch, was also keen to endorse Trump, saying, “Trump’s efforts to get the US coal mining industry up and running again has done wonders for us here. As a result, what little pastureland we had is now completely desiccated, and ideal for making volleyball courts. Playing volleyball helps alleviate the hunger pains and fills in the hours till we all die of starvation.”
The Chief of the Umpopo river pygmies, however, was less glowing in his comments about Trump, saying, “Trump’s a complete tosspot as far as we are concerned. This global warming campaign he’s running is shite. Our river has risen ten feet since he took office, thanks to his fecking coal mines reopening. We now have to live underwater and that’s no fun as the Umpopo is full of crocodiles and flesh eating fish. I’d vote Democrat if I could shake this croc off my leg and paddle my dugout to a US polling station.”