Pompeo Sent Home In A Bag, Saudi King Sends His Apologies
It was disclosed by Sarah Huckleberry Hound Sanders at a routine press conference this morning that United States Secretary of State Mike Pompeo was yesterday returned to the US in a large black plastic bag. The horrific news that the dismembered body of the US diplomat had been dropped off at the door of the White House by a swarthy looking delivery man with a towel on his head came as a shock to the assembled press pack at the scheduled daily White House briefing.
“We had no inkling this might happen,” said Huckleberry Hound, “We’re still trying to figure out what went wrong. We have CCTV footage of Mike entering the Saudi home of Prince Irritable Bowel Syndrome but no recording of his leaving the building. The next thing we know is a very large plastic bag containing his chopped up body parts was dropped off at the front door. I took the delivery and even tipped the delivery guy. I certainly would have slipped him three dollars if I’d have known what was in the bag.”
When news of the event reached the UN all nations except Sadli Backwardia itself expressed their outrage.
“We have to assume Pompeo was murdered then dismembered inside the Prince’s home,” said a UN spokesperson, “There is no other explanation for what happened.”
Whilst there is no footage of Mr. Pompeo leaving Saudi Prince IBS’ palace, there is, however, footage of a large van packed with cleaners arriving at the palace twenty minutes after Mr. Pompeo entered. The footage quite clearly shows some of the cleaners are carrying hack saws and 10 gallon drums of bleach.
In a statement issued on behalf of the aging Saudi ruler, King Salman, the near gaga old moneybag offered his apologies to the United States president, claiming he had no clue as to where Mr. Pompeo had disappeared off to as his son, Prince Irritable Bowel Syndrome told the dribbling old King that he was going to ‘take care’ of Pompeo. The King’s statement had a codicil offering to double the country’s spend on US bombs and killing stuff if Trump would just forget the whole ghastly affair.
In a subsequent press conference at the White House, President Trump was bombarded with questions from an angry press pack, all demanding to know what the president intended to do about the outrage. But Trump appeared to be unfazed by the murder of the US Secretary of State.
“I’m sure we’ll get to the bottom of what happened to Mike,” said the president, “I’ve already started a Brett Kavanaugh style in depth, leave no stone unwhitewashed FBI investigation. It’s just like you see in the movies, folks. A retired top guy gets brought back into the game as the special investigator because his country need him in its hour of need.”
When pressed as to who the special investigator was, Trump said, “That ratbag Comey. Let them chop that fecker into bits.”
The president then went on to defend the Sadli Backwardians, saying, “I always believed in someone being innocent until proved guilty, right? So let’s wait and see what the whitewash turns up. The Sadlis may be a backward people, suppressing freedom of speech, and any criticism of their rulers, treating their women like shit and waging an evil proxy war in the Yemen, and probably providing the funding behind ISIS and other terror organizations… but in their favour, they’re loaded! Cash is king, and it’s mostly US dollars we’ve spent on their oil. Let’s bring that cash back home, folks!”
When challenged by the reporter for the UK comic The Beano on the matter of justice, not only for the brutal murder by the Sadlis of Mr. Pompeo and Sadli reporter Khashoggi, but for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocent Yemenis, Mr. Trump openly laughed. When he’d stopped guffawing he said, “Regarding the international rule of law and accepted norms of civilized behaviour, since when has that applied to people with money?”