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An Inconvenient Inconvenience

An Inconvenient Inconvenience

The city where I reside has recently been impacted by two major hurricanes. This is most distressing as my city of residence isn't located on a coast. Fortunately, I've been unharmed and suffered no property damage. However, the barometric pressure triggers my migraines. One of the symptoms of migraines is mild anger. Most scientists agree these hurricanes are historic and climate change is responsible for the increased intensity in said hurricanes. If you or someone you love is climate change denier, you best keep your mouth shut because my head hurts and I'm already angry.

About two years ago, Sarah Palin was promoting a film called Climate Hustle. A film I will only see if I decide to write a blog making fun of it. According to the Climate Hustle website, global warming is a con job. The majority of scientists in the world are in cahoots with the green energy people. The green energy people have an evil agenda and if they succeed it will return us to a time when water was non-flammable. (If you're interested in seeing a movie that completely dismisses science, I'd like to recommend any of the Sharknado films currently streaming on Netflix. At least Sharknado acknowledges global warming is real. Plus, flying sharks.)

For some inexplicable reason, Sarah Palin believes Bill Nye The Science Guy is the leader of the green energy conspiracy to return water to its natural flame resistant state. She attacked Bill Nye as only she can. To quote Sarah Palin, "Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am." If I understand her argument correctly, we shouldn't listen to Bill Nye's theories on global warming because he's not a scientist. But we should listen to Sarah Palin's theories on global warming because she's not a scientist. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Sarah Palin.

Dear Sarah Palin,

Flammable freaking water. Drill baby drill leads to burn baby burn, you dumb twit.

Yours Truly,

Jennifer Loy

I had the nerve to tweet a joke about Sarah Palin's brave war against Bill Nye The Science Guy. A climate change denier responded his support for Sarah Palin. He did this in the form of a meme claiming Bill Nye is not a scientist, but Dolph Lundgren is. It should be noted the meme didn't describe Dolph Lundgren's views on climate change. I found this shocking as memes are known for being a great source of credible information. However, Dolph starred in two of the Sharknado movies so I must assume he believes in climate change. Or he needed the money because he's a Twitter scientist and there's not a lot of money in that. I responded to Twitter Guy the only way I could, “I must break you.” You'll only get that if you've seen Rocky IV. I don't blame you if you haven't.

If you believe science is a thing, you may wonder why people treat science like some voodoo magic when it comes to global warming and yet, use the advancements of modern science in most aspects of their daily lives without question. And you would be right to wonder that. A 2015 Pew Research report found Americans and the Chinese are the least concerned about global warming. Scientists have found the two countries responsible for the greatest amount of annual CO2 emissions are America and China.

Perhaps some very rich people from both countries don't want to admit they screwed up the whole world. I suspect they have billions of green reasons to deny it.

Non-billionaires also deny global warming. These non-believers won't separate their trash for reasons known only to them. They won't learn how to reset timers so their sprinklers are watering their lawns while it's raining. They drive from store to store in the same shopping center because walking makes their fingers cramp or something. They drive monster trucks disguised as SUVs that take up too much space in the parking garage, causing me to have to park on the seventh floor because there was no way I could get my car into the only available spot on the second floor without hitting that ridiculous truck, which was parked in front of a sign that clearly reads, "Compact Cars Only." Then I had to take the steps up and down from the seventh floor because the elevator is always getting stuck and homeless people pee in it.

I could cite scientific facts and statistics to try to convince global warming deniers it's real, but that obviously doesn't work. They'll shout, "Shenanigans," and cover their ears, which doesn't make much sense because they're reading this. Instead, I've worked out a peace treaty. By the power vested in my by Bill Nye The Science Guy, I hereby initiate The Dolph Lundgren-Sharknado Peace Treaty of 2018.

The Dolph Lundgren-Sharknado Peace Treaty of 2018

We, the Bill Nye The Science Guy People, agree to cease our foolish attempts to make the Dolph Lundgren People recycle if they agree to give up a few of the greatest scientific achievements of all time. If the Dolph Lundgrens insist upon calling science B.S., they must prove they can live without it. In return, we, the Bill Nye The Science Guy People, will no longer bother them. Green Peace will no longer bother them. Go Green Initiative will no longer bother them. Green Day will stop recording albums. Green Hornet will stop fighting crime.

The Dolph Lundgrens hereby pledge to relinquish all use of the following scientific breakthroughs:

1.) The internet. Yes, it's science, not a magical series of tubes, which allows you to read this post from nearly anywhere on Earth. You must turn in your internet once you've completely read this post and all previous posts on this site. From this moment forward you agree to shop in actual stores, pay your bills through the mail and call your high school friends in lieu of poking them on the Facebook.

2.) The automobile. Yes, it's science, not a greased up wrench-monkey named Cooter, which allows you to travel hundreds of miles in a single day. You now agree to travel by walking or bike riding. This is a win-win-win situation. Less cars means less pollution. You'll be much healthier. Most importantly, I'll get a better parking spot.

3.) Refrigeration. Yes, it's science, not the Sears Appliance Center, which keeps your food from spoiling. You must immediately give up all refrigerators and freezers in your home. You may not eat at restaurants which use refrigeration to store their food. You should probably stock up on canned foods. I recommend Campbell's Chunky Soup. It's soup that eats like a meal.

4.) Optical Lenses. Yes, it's science, not the Wal-Mart Vision Center, which allows you to see clearly even though you have poor vision. You may want to adopt a dog and train it to lead you around in lieu of bumping into and accidentally groping strangers.

5.) Antibiotics. Yes, it's science, not Honey Nut Cheerios, which prevents a bacterial infection from damaging all your internal organs. Full disclosure, you might die from bacterial infection, you might not. I don't know. I'm not a scientist.


Photo by Alex Hanson from Ames, Iow | CC-BY-2.0

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