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An Open Letter To FDR

An Open Letter To FDR

Dear Franklin Delano Roosevelt,

Many historians consider you a great President. After all, you navigated the country through the Great Depression, and a World War. You created long-lasting and beneficial legislation, and your fireside chats back in the day were inspiring and enlightening! Your ability to calm a nervous nation in times of crisis were second to none. Pat yourself on the back, right? Negative. Here’s the new deal, FDR. You pull a stunt like that today and we’ll impeach you ourselves.

Your professionalism was a complete embarrassment. Thing is, your blindingly ambitious Presidency set a precedent that has severely hampered any subpar president from ever achieving this new definition of success in which we have come to revel. No fist pumps while visiting somber memorials? No sharing of nuclear codes with foreign leaders while vacationing at your resort?

Your wife, the first lady, was out there working for a United Nations peacekeeping force without wearing an apathy-declaring jacket? Who does that? Why wasn’t Eleanor doing something respectable, like posing nude?

In my opinion, you ruined the country with that successful four term residency of yours. With all those things like “success” and “freedom,” for which you so callously strove. What were you thinking, selfishly winning every presidential election in the 1930’s and early ’40’s? Because of your annoying ambition, Congress was forced to pass the twenty-second amendment prohibiting future presidents form serving more than two terms, on March 21st, 1947. There’s your day that will live in infamy, pal.

How can you expect a subpar president to accomplish anything in a measly eight years when you were President so long that you literally died while in office? How can anyone live up to that!? Such annoying shortsightedness; handicapping this country by being overtly successful. No leader can hone their indecisiveness, indifference, and insouciance in only two terms, especially when they must drop everything halfway through it and ask the pessimistic American people for their vote; again. No horrible President should be punished for their lack of cognitive reasoning, illegal wiretapping activities, or inappropriate sexual trysts.

These days, the only thing we have to fear is an inadequate amount of time for a deficient president to get anything done. Thanks for that.

Let’s say, hypothetically, that a president falsifies evidence of a rogue country having weapons of mass destruction simply to justify a war. Imagine what he could have done if given a third term!!! Or even worse, imagine an African American president who has the audacity to show up at a Press Briefing wearing a tan suit. Perhaps in his third term, he would’ve walked onstage wearing a double breasted turquoise pimp suit. Now, we’ll never know.

Frankly, presidents need more time to display important leadership qualities like throwing paper towels to hurricane victims. Not less! Time constraints can ruin presidency’s and it would’ve been nice of you to consider that while you were successfully steering this country through a series of significant conflicts.

A total of eight years isn’t enough time for an insufficient president to accomplish anything on their agenda. And, let’s be honest; most American presidents have been insufficient. We need to give our leaders time to breathe a little; to ease into their mediocre presidencies. Only then, can these lackluster president’s attempt to fulfill the half-baked promises that pessimistic voters begrudgingly gave them the opportunity to fall short on. Promises that you sir, have ripped out of their tiny, presidential hands.

Today, we lock up children at the border. If given ample time, maybe our leaders would lock up adolescents at the border AND the mall!!! You have robbed us of so much potential mirth. Imagine the laughs we could have at the idiocy of our current leader’s decision making had he been allowed to continue beyond two terms!! What was next? A special Jupiter Seals division of the Space Force? Mispronunciations of his own monosyllabic name?By then, would the first lady even be allowed to wear clothes?

Quite frankly, our terrible Commanders in Chief need more presidential terms to work in the kinks, not less; something that your protracted Presidency robbed them of. The best way to learn how to be stupid is through experience, something you had copious amounts of.

Sir, you navigated us through some ridiculously important moments. And while the inclination of a proud society would be to thank you for that, we are not a proud society right now. Therefore, the only logical thing to do is blame you for your unwavering selfishness.

You, sir, have let down the American people with your unrivaled success.




Photo by FDR Presidential Library & Museum + WikiJunkie  |  CC-BY-SA-2.0

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