Trump Fury At Revelations In ‘Grinners Little Book Of Fake News’ – ‘The Book Makes Me Look Vain And Dumb!’
It has been reported that President Trump is furious about the release of yet another book exposing flaws in his personality and his administration. ‘The Grinners Little Book of Fake News,’ released on Amazon earlier this week, contains fifty articles, all of which, according to Trump, show him, his family, and those close to his presidency as incompetent self-promoting vain numbskulls and money grabbing cretins.
“I was sent a copy and took it into the restroom for a bit of silent contemplation. I started reading it before I dropped my pants. Big mistake! I almost crapped myself,” barked the president to a hastily assembled press crowd, “It’s a disgrace. Has the author no sense of decency?”
The president went on to describe the content of a number of the articles included in the book, barely suppressing his rage.
“One article falsely claims I intend to make myself the tallest man in America. That’s just nonsense. There are several people, both living and dead, that are taller than me… not smarter, just taller.”
The president added, “One of the articles accuses me of being a world class liar with a Pinocchio nose problem. This is outrageous! I have complete control of the nose situation, and so has judge Kavanaugh!”
The president then railed against another article that seemed to have hit a nerve with him.
“I have NOT appointed Jared Kushner as the next pope. The idea is ludicrous. I’m not saying he wouldn’t be dynamite in the job but that’s not the point. I have John Bolton lined up for that position as soon as his war with Iran kicks off and I can put Ivanka in charge of the military.”
“As for the story that I’m about to manufacture prefabricated hotels in China made entirely using asbestos, it’s a Goddamned lie! They’re being made in Vietnam. It’s the least I could do for that shithole country after we bombed and napalmed the feck out of them when we won the war over there.”
“And to put the record straight,” added the president, “I do NOT have ‘ISIS’ tattooed on my John Thomas. Ask Stormy, or any of my ex-girlfriends. They’ll confirm the word tattooed on my dick is antidisestablishmentarianism in Calibri, font size 48!”
The president went on, surprisingly, to confess that the content of some of the articles in the book was true.
“They’re right about the Puerto Rico hurricane death toll count being zero if you don’t count the zombies… And I don’t know how they found out but they’re right that I was the anonymous Op Ed article writer. I sleep write because I work so Goddamned hard and sometimes I screw up! Also I did go around the Oval office all day with my trollies at half mast the day of McCain’s funeral, but that was because my doctor told me my sperm count was low so I had to give the boys a bit of fresh air for the day.”
When asked what the exact problem with his sperm count was Mr. Trump said, “It fell below a trillion trillion trillion… and believe me they’re all built like Schwarzenegger, but a damn site smarter than that ugly fecker… each and every one, folks, rippling muscles… amazing physiques… just like me.”
The president was pressed by the reporter for the UK comic, The Beano, as to who he thought was behind the publication.
“Not this joker David Smith, that’s for sure. That idiot can’t string a… y’know… sentency thing together. It’s crooked Hillary, no doubt about it. She knows I’ve never read a book in my life so she thought she could get away with it.”
When pressed on what he intends to do about the book, the president smirked as he said, “Buy the rights and shut it down. That’s what I usually do with books I don’t like. I know this guy David Smith. He’s a loser. He’ll sell up for $20 and a couple of sacksful of my old golf balls. If he won’t sell up, then I’ll send a copy to every voter in America to show them the depths to which the Democrats will stoop to make me look an idiot.”
It was generally agreed amongst the press pack that, as far as that particular endeavour was concerned, the president didn’t need any help from the Democrats.