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Current Members Of The Supreme Court Can't Wait For Kavanaugh To Arrive

Current Members Of The Supreme Court Can't Wait For Kavanaugh To Arrive

With Brett Kavanaugh’s nomination to the Supreme Court now official, the current members of the Court are solidifying plans for the new Justice’s arrival. His initiation process is expected to be slightly more intense than just being forced to prepare coffee for the other Justices.

“It’s not every day that the integrity of the Court gets compromised,” Justice Sonia Sotomayor said, loosening the bolts on the back of the empty chair at the Court’s main conference table, where the nine Justices discuss cases. “The Republican Senate and President can send him here, but he’ll never feel at home.”

As Chief Justice, John Roberts has the task of holding house in the Court and keeping order.

“And that’s just what I’m doing,” he insisted, taping a picture of Merrick Garland’s face to a life-sized doll and putting it in a chair in the corner of the Court’s only empty office, soon to be Kavanaugh’s. Dousing the seat and back of the chair with Gorilla Glue and pressing the doll into it, Roberts added, “luckily, we got some much-needed practice with Gorsuch. Isn’t that right, Neil?”

Bound, gagged, and duct taped to the ceiling, Justice Gorsuch’s muffled agreement was drowned out by the sounds of Roberts’ power drill, as he bolted the chair to the floor.

“We all have our own ways of showing our disdain for the partisan stain that Kavanaugh represents,” Justice Elena Kagan stated, painting black stripes beneath her eyes while Justice Thomas spider dribbled a basketball with his eyes closed. “It’s not much, but Clarence and I are going to sacrifice our Court-only pickup basketball games for the sake of some humiliation. Usually, we play three on three so we can have a sub on each team, because not all of us are as in shape as Ruth. Soon, though, we’ll be playing eight on one.”

Spinning the ball on his nose, Thomas tapped her on the shoulder, held up seven fingers, then pointed to the ceiling.

“Oh right,” Kagan corrected herself with a smirk. “Seven on one.”

“Of course it won’t change much,” Justice Breyer admitted as he dumped an undisclosed type of insect eggs into a heating vent in the empty office. “But the whole point of the Supreme Court—and the entire judicial branch, really—is to hold in check the other branches of the government and act as a neutral intermediary. If Kavanaugh is willing to sacrifice the point of this Court just so he can get on it, we almost have a Constitutional duty to ruin it for him.”

Asked where in the Constitution that duty came from, Justice Breyer spread his arms, cocked an eyebrow in disbelief, and said, “I’m Stephen freaking Breyer: I’ll find it somewhere.”

For Justice Samuel Alito, there doesn’t have to be Constitutional backing to justify some retaliation: It’s a matter of protecting his own job.

“The partisan stain Kavanaugh brings to the Court will taint everything we do, every decision we make,” he explained, approving a trade in the office fantasy football league that sent Patrick Mahomes and Ezekiel Elliott to Breyer’s Ice Cream Sundays, and Tyrod Taylor to Kennedy’s Globetrotters, the team Kavanaugh stands to inherit. “It’s not just whether Kavanaugh can hear a case dealing with a president’s impeachment—every case we hear now becomes political. So what happens when the other branches of government switch hands? Are we going to see new laws trying to override the decisions we made while the other party was in power? Is it worth the time and effort it takes us to make those decisions? Do we cater our opinions to the political atmosphere? Is that what this Court has become?”

Justice Ginsburg, plugging in the wine cooler that replaced the mini fridge in the empty office, was more straightforward.

“If the other branches of government aren’t going to play by the rules, neither will we.”

“In there, Neil,” Chief Justice Roberts ordered. Justice Gorsuch came into the office pushing a dolly stacked with heavy boxes.

“Take all these law books down from the shelves and put them in storage,” Roberts instructed, “and then replace them with these, just like in your office.” Opening the first box, he pulled out a handful of copies of John Grisham’s The Pelican Brief and put them up on the shelf.

 
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