Trump Creates Position Of US Pontiff, Announces Jared Kushner As First American Head Of Catholic Church
Following on from the surprise resignation of US Ambassador to the UN, Nikki Haley, and President Trump’s remarks to the world’s media that his wife / daughter Ivanka would make a ‘dynamite’ replacement (not a remark welcomed amongst the other UN delegates for a multiple of reasons), the president has announced another shocker. From January 1st 2019 a new position is to be created in the US administration, that of US Head of the Catholic church. In effect this will be a position that usurps the position and authority of the current Pontiff, Pope Francis, and the Vatican’s role as head of Catholicism worldwide. The move is all the more shocking as Kushner is Jewish.
“He’ll make a dynamite pope,” smiled the president to a dumbfounded press pack, “And about time we brought this top job back to America.”
It is unusual to say the least to have the head of the Catholic church across the world as a member of the US political administration. Traditionally this position has always been appointed by the Catholic church’s most senior officials, the College of Cardinals. They are summoned to the Vatican where the papal election (Conclave) takes place.
This point was made to the president by the ever present reporter for the HuffPost who put it to Trump that he had no authority to make such an appointment.
“BS!” responded the Commander-in-Chief, “The pope is supposed to be the single person on Earth closest to God, his spokesman down here, isn’t he? Jared’s my right hand man. You do the math!”
It was further pointed out by the reporter for the UK comic, The Beano, that even if it was possible that US president had the authority to make such an appointment, Jared Kushner was of a different faith being Jewish.
“Why is that a problem?” snapped the president, “You losers are just nit-picking. Okay, he’ll wear a different hat, but that’s no big deal.”
Later, Jared Kushner took time out of an important planning meeting to hold a press conference to express his delight at his upcoming new position.
“It was like a bolt out of the blue,” said Kushner, “I hadn’t expected it at all.”
“When asked by the reporter from the UK gardening publication, Thyme Magazine, what the meeting was about, Mr. Kushner said, “We’re going to move the Vatican from Rome to Jerusalem early next year. Let’s face it Italy’s a crap country with a failed government. Also, their building over in Rome doesn’t even have a sunbed.”
To date Pope Francis has declined to comment on the story but a spokesperson for the Vatican said, “The Roman Catholic Church is the oldest institution in the western world. It can trace its history back almost 2,000 years, and has played a prominent role in the history of the suppression of western civilisation. We’ve systematically covered up tens of thousands of child abuse and rape cases. We’ve been burning Jews and decapitating Muslims for 300 years. Our top guys have been lunatics and perverts. For example, Pope Boniface V111 was a monumental sinner and paedophile. We burned Joan of Arc just for dressing like a man, as well as burning countless women as witches because pope Innocent V11 was a paranoid douche. We’ve absolved sins for cash payments. We’ve made our followers’ lives a misery with our backward attitude to birth control and illegitimate pregnancies. We’ve separated babies from their mothers and sold them off. When it comes to good old honest wickedness, we’ve done it all! We’ve run out of evil to do in the name of God. So, let someone else have a go. Jared looks like a nice boy. He’ll should be able to keep our long standing traditions going.”