UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Alvin And The Chipmunks Go Missing After Visiting Mike Pence's House

Alvin And The Chipmunks Go Missing After Visiting Mike Pence's House

The iconic animated musical group Alvin and the Chipmunks are currently missing after visiting Mike Pence's residence in Washington, D.C. The vice president told Flake News reporters that he invited the cartoon chipmunks to his home as a surprise gift for his two daughters who reportedly "liked that chipmunk show a lot while growing up." However, both of Pence's daughters deny having seen Alvin or any of the Chipmunks while visiting their father at the Number One Observatory Circle earlier this week. Pence has denied having any part in the chipmunks' disappearance.

A police investigation is currently underway regarding the missing multi-million dollar chipmunks. No suspect has been named in the case. However, Pence has been pointed out by authorities as a person of interest and his Washington home was thoroughly searched by investigators on Friday.

"My heart goes out to everyone affected by the disappearance of three beloved American treasures affectionately known as Alvin and the Chipmunks," said Pence in a press statement Friday afternoon. "Everyone in the Pence household hopes that these chipmunks are returned safely to their adoptive father David Seville. That being said, I have cooperated with authorities to personally help search and locate these three wonderful rodents."

"I'm a complete wreck," said Dave Seville. "I want my Alvin, Simon and Theodore back. I shouldn't have allowed them to go over Pence's house alone. I don't want to throw out any accusations without evidence, but isn't that guy banned from buying or possessing small rodents? Doesn't he have allegations from gerbils claiming abuse? I just want to know what's going on."

Pence is scheduled to face a Senate Judiciary Committee on Monday in regards to allegations of assault from two gerbils. Pence has denied the most recent accusation, noting that "Mother doesn't like it when people lie about her boy."

"To be honest, I didn't even like Alvin and the Chipmunks while I was a kid," said Charlotte Pence, 25. "I only watched the show because it made my dad happy. And he didn't even tell me that they were stopping by this week. Although, I did stop by for an unrelated reason. Geez, I hope they're alright."

"I received a text message that Alvin and the Chipmunks were hanging out with my dad, but by the time I stopped by they were already gone," said the vice president's youngest daughter, Audrey Pence. "It's a shame. I almost liked them as much as my dad. They were such a cool cartoon. My thoughts and prayers go out to all three chipmunks and their loved ones."

 
After Hella Hops, 'Little Jerk' Graham Comes Out Of The Wardrobe Closet

After Hella Hops, 'Little Jerk' Graham Comes Out Of The Wardrobe Closet

The Hypcorodile, Graham: Indigenous To South Carolina

The Hypcorodile, Graham: Indigenous To South Carolina