Harvey Weinstein Applies for Supreme Court Vacancy
In a surprise announcement today, discredited movie mogul Harvey Weinstein announced his candidacy for the vacant position as a Supreme Court Judge.
“I know I’m not Trump’s first choice for the position,” said Weinstein to a hastily assembled press pack, “But once he sees I’m up for it, I’m sure I’ll have his full backing.”
When asked by the ever-present reporter from the HuffPost what qualifications the disgraced flick magnate had for the vacancy, Weinstein barked, “Hell, I’m over-qualified!”
Weinstein went on to add, “This guy Kavanaugh is a rank amateur when it comes to sexual scandals. One drunken grind and a flash or two? That’s fecking kid’s stuff compared to what I’ve done. Look at my track record. I’ve molested, I’ve exposed myself, hell, I’ve even had ‘entirely consensual sex’ with women that didn’t want it, know what I mean? Trump should be pushing my name forward for this job for life with huge salary and perks.”
In a rare moment of honesty and facing up to his future, Weinstein added, “Let’s face it I’m screwed in the film industry. No one will touch me with a crap stick thanks to those ‘me too’ scumbags. But all my years of perving should bring me some kind of rewards. If there is anything approaching natural justice in the world, I should get that job!”
“What’s more I’m tons better at acting than Kavanaugh. He’s pants. Did you see his performance in front of the Senate Judicial Committee? How unconvincing can you get? I can blub better than him! I do outrage, injustice and conspiracy theory to Oscar standards. Okay, he dragged in his wife and kids, God, and even his ol’ Mom and Dad at every opportunity, but the shamateur left out the death of his dog! A rookie mistake in my book. A good old tear-jerker like the faithful hound dying from the shame of his master being accused of drunken grinding. That’s a whammer missed out right there!”
When pressed by the reporter from the UK comic ‘The Beano’ as to what knowledge Weinstein had of the US legal system, Weinstein screeched, “I’m wearing a fecking ankle bracelet aren’t I? Fecking moron! How much more evidence do you need that I know how the legal system works.”
It is understood that the president has reacted favourably to Weinstein’s declaration of his candidacy. In a statement made by the president’s funbag, Ms. Sarah Huckleberrrrry Houuuuund Sanders, she informed the gathered media that Trump was warming to the possibility of having an experienced sexual predator and substance abuser on the top legal team.
“The president believes that this will work to the benefit of the American people,” declared Ms. Funbag.
She went on further to add, “It’s been the president’s experience that serial sexual harassers, rapists and the like hide their perversion behind a persona of sobriety and probity, spouting on about the merits of Christian morals, family values and the rule of law. Whilst not true in Trump’s case, (as he is up front about his vile behaviour towards women, the use of prostitutes and committing adultery with ex adult stars and the like), this typical social camouflage adopted by these disgusting tossers serves the overall endeavours of a right wing administration admirably.”
Photo by Peabody Awards | CC-BY-2.0