After Hella Hops, 'Little Jerk' Graham Comes Out Of The Wardrobe Closet
In August, 2015, the Republican Senator from South Carolina Lindsey Graham uttered these immortal words: “If I’m President, we’re going to drink more.”
After the diminutive flip-flopper’s jowl-trembling, pimple-about-to-pop, “method acting” turn at noted rape-artist Brett Kavanaugh’s hearing – a performance that would have knocked the likes of Lee Strasberg on his butt – it would appear that losing his bid for the highest office in the land, carried with it, the same declaration.
Surprisingly, Flake News received another kind of declaration after catching up with the tremulous tippler at his favorite watering hole with the charmingly retro name: “Real Men Eat Quiche,” where the Senator was indeed forking up the eggy stuff and washing it down with heavy helpings of hops.
A close friend of the late Senator John McCain, who fondly referred to his BFF – notable for once referring to the Orange Troll as a “kook,” but has now wedged his head firmly up POTUS’s posterior -- as “Little Jerk,” Graham was inexplicably dressed in a style that can only be described as “Vaudeville On The Range.”
Instead of a tie, a feather boa was carefully arranged around the Senator’s spindly neck, while a little boy’s cowboy hat perched rakishly on his head. We were, in a word, flummoxed by this curious style of accessorizing and couldn’t help but pose the question, WTF?
Graham belched out a wave of beer mingled with digestive juices and leaned forward conspiratorially. “Look around here. You see any women folk?” We complied and indeed, did not. We did, however, see a lot of quiche-eating men.
The Senator fluffled up his boa and slurring slightly said, “In spite of what I said in my memoir, which was a bunch of hooey, I’m gay and I don’t give a rat’s butt who knows it. I’m a real man who likes other real men. And feathers. So what? If that asshole Kavanaugh can get confirmed after WHAT WE ALL KNOW HE DID, what’s the big deal about me liking a good boof now and then?”
After turning down a proffered bite of quiche, Flake News inquired about the cowboy hat. Surprisingly, the Senator became misty-eyed. He wiped away a tear with his boa, drained his glass of pale ale, took a deep breath and answered: ‘My daddy owned a bar in South Carolina that I practically grew up in. To entertain the customers, I’d dress up as a little cowpoke and gallop around the room. In return, they’d let me have sips of their beer. Mostly Blatz back then. Daddy didn’t care. He thought it’d make a man out of me.”
Senator Graham shrugged and rested, chin in hand on the table. At that moment, it must be said, we felt sorry for the “Little Jerk.” But then, our journalistic integrity took over and we had to ask, “Senator Graham, when you mentioned that you like a ‘good boof,’ are you saying you have a thing for flatulence?”
Red-rimmed eyes like saucers, the Senator just looked us for a moment and then broke into uncontrollable laughter: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!
He laughed so hard, in fact, that his little hat fell right off his little head.
I do declare, that I sculpted this yesterday in Plastatina Clay, molded, and cast in latex. Lordy, that was a lot of work in one day! I handpainted her makeup, added a pink boa that I had laying around, and by gosh, I even added this little cowboy hat to finish the look.