Hastily Carried Out FBI Kavanaugh Report Results Leaked: Whitewash Found To Be Still Wet
The leaked contents of the infamous FBI last minute investigation into the accusations against Judge Brett Kavanaugh have shocked the world’s media. Following the FBI’s findings from the hastily carried out investigation being released to Senator Chuck Grassley, the first entitled recipient, unknown to those next in line to see the its contents, a copy was leaked to the press.
It is believed that Senator Grassley fell asleep reading it and an unnamed staffer stole Grassley’s copy and passed it on to the UK comic ‘The Beano.’
A spokesperson for this organ was quick to comment.
“Pure filth,” said The Beano’s political editor, Dennis DeMenace, “The front was covered in half chewed nuts that must have dribbled out of old ‘brass-neck’ Grassley’s gob as he nodded off.”
The editor was then pressed by fellow journalists to comment on the content of the report, not the disgusting condition the dithering old fool had got it into.
“It was shocking,” said DeMenace, “For a start Trump had constricted the number of witnesses permitted to be interviewed to two people, Judge Kavanaugh’s Mom and Dad.”
DeMenace then further enlightened the gathering by adding, “There was literally dozens and dozens of pages of crap from his Mom about how ‘Brettipoops’ (her affectionate term for the man) was a nightmare baby when teething, and how he wrote a letter to Santa when he was only two, and how often he wet the bed, dross like that. There was no reference at all to his high school or college days. Her testimony ended once the judge mastered potty training when he was twelve.”
“His Dad’s testimony was, if anything, worse,” added DeMenace.
The editor went on to say that much of Judge Kavanaugh’s father’s testimony had been redacted.
Asked for clarification, DeMenace said, “It consisted of 120 pages of testimony. The opening line was ‘Brett’s a good boy until he gets a couple of beers inside him. Then he turns into a fecking…’ The remainder of the page plus the other 119 pages consisted of solid black lines of ink.”
“Further,” added DeMenace, “It would appear that Trump also heavily restricted the resources that the FBI could use for this investigation to a single agent, a 90 year old blind, deaf and mute ex crossing guard brought out of a care home for the permanently bewildered to take on the assignment. Trump wouldn’t even let the poor old bugger keep his false teeth in during the interviews.”
Senator Chuck Grassley has still to wake up and comment but the White House press secretary and funbag Ms. Sarah Huckleberry Hound Sanders has issued a press release as follows.
“President Trump is delighted that this thorough in depth investigation into the blatant pack of lies that the lying witch Ford and the other lowlife scumbag whores puked out about my good pal Bretty puts the matter once and for all to bed (no joke intended). I now look forward to Judge Kavanaugh taking up his post on the Supreme Court to help further subjugate all free thinking Americans for the foreseeable future.”