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Second Gerbil Accuses Mike Pence Of Assault, Senate Judiciary Committee To Hear Case Next Week

Second Gerbil Accuses Mike Pence Of Assault, Senate Judiciary Committee To Hear Case Next Week

US Vice President Mike Pence has been accused of assault by a second gerbil, according to an anonymous source that leaked a government-classified document to Flake News. Last week, Pence was given a lifetime restriction from buying or possessing small rodents after a top secret incident occurred that resulted in Oliver the Gerbil being hospitalized. Pence has denied allegations from the second gerbil and calls the incident involving Oliver "an unfortunate accident" and "a situation that should have been better assessed."

Gerald the Gerbil alleged that Pence deprived him of his freedom and caused irreparable injuries, both emotional and physical. The gerbil said that the vice president forcefully placed him "in a dark, cramped, smelly location for hours on end."

President Donald Trump stuck up for Pence on Twitter, writing that, "Our vice president is a good, decent man. That gerbil is lying. It's being propped up by the losing Dems that are mad because they weren't able to put Crooked Hillary in the White House. All they want is more power. Power they lost for good reason. This story stinks!"

The gerbil responded to Trump's tweet by writing, "Oh, that stinks? You have no clue the smell I endured for hours. It was high-level torture violating all rules of the Geneva Convention. But the story doesn't stop there. I'm taking my claims to Washington!"

Pence and both gerbils are scheduled to face a Senate Judiciary Committee on Monday where they will review the allegations and consider whether or not an FBI investigation should be conducted into the matter.

New York Senator Chuck Schumer said in a press statement that Pence is "guilty without a doubt. And not just because he's not with my political party. These gerbils deserve to be heard! Credible accusations must be aired out to the public. Men who commit such acts should not be in the White House or in any position of power!"

The vice president sent out a tweet responding to Schumer's 'slanderous' remarks, writing that, "Have we all forgotten about presumption of innocence? It is highly inappropriate and beyond slanderous to walk in front of a camera and say that someone is guilty without a doubt before their case is even heard. This isn't justice! Mother does not approve one bit!"

Thousands of gerbils marched on Washington on Wednesday, protesting Pence's alleged cruel treatment of small rodents. The group Gerbils Grab Back waved banners that said, "Justice 4 Gerbils Now!" and "Teach Vice Presidents Not To Hurt Gerbils!"

Rachel Rodent, who founded Gerbils Grab Back, said that Pence is "deranged" and the upcoming assault hearing at "the Senate Judiciary Committee can be a watermark moment for gerbil rights if white men would actually start listening to us for once, but that most likely won't happen."

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-SA-2.0

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