Trump Boasts Of Extensive Kavanaugh Coaching: 'His Nose Did Not Grow'
Donald Trump today crowed that the extensive personal training that he had given to Brett Kavanaugh ahead of him giving evidence to the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing had been a complete success.
“I have to confess I was concerned when I watched the guy start to blub,” admitted the president, “it’s normally then that a liar’s nose starts to elongate. But Brett did us all proud and held it together. I’ll bet just after he gave his evidence at the hearing his nose hadn’t grown more than a couple of centimetres. That’s down to me.”
Trump went on to brag to a packed press meeting that he was an accomplished liar and ‘knew all the wrinkles’ and as such was able to share with Kavanaugh the president’s vast experience of continuously vomiting out bare faced whoppers to anyone within earshot.
“When I fist started lying as a kid I was crap at it,” admitted the president, “My nose would stretch and stretch to a point where leaves started to unfurl by my nostrils. But with time and the need to both habitually boast and lie simultaneously I soon had to learn how to keep a straight face, react indignantly to the truth, spout conspiracy theories at every opportunity and keep my nose well and truly under control.“
When asked by the ever present reporter from the HuffPost if the president still had confidence in Kavanaugh as his first choice nominee for the vacant supreme court position Trump shouted, “Hell yes! He’s going to be a world class liar, just like me!”
The president went on to confess that he’d thought a senior member of the judiciary would already know how to lie professionally but after some abysmal attempts at fibbing on news channels ahead of the committee hearing he knew something needed to be done.
“When Mike Pence pointed out to me that Kavanaugh was not actually a politician so didn’t have lying as the default position I decided to take matters into my own hands. We had an intensive one-on-one session,” said the president, “And I’m not talking about those I had with Stormy here, although I did tell the guy if he screwed up expect a short spell in chokey where nice well educated white male judges like him should expect daily vigorous butt-shaftings. I think that was the motivation he needed. He came out all guns blazing, with a good mix of arrogance, blubbing, the old ‘I can’t recall exactly’ trick and dragging his wife, Mom, Dad and God into the argument at every opportunity.”
When asked by the reporter from the UK comic ‘The Beano’ if he thought Kavanaugh was guilty and had actually committed the sexual assault, the president said, ”Hell no!” whilst immediately covering his nose with both hands.