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Following His Successful UN Stand-Up Routine, Trump Plans More Gigs

Following His Successful UN Stand-Up Routine, Trump Plans More Gigs

 

In a statement during a press conference, Sarah Huckleberry Hound Sanders broke the news to the assembled press pack that President Donald Trump is planning to expand on his recently adopted career as a stand up comic.

“The president was pleasantly surprised at how well the gig went for his audience at the UN, so he’s writing new material for more stand-up gigs. He’s even contemplating a world tour,” said Ms. ‘Round-Hound’ Sanders.

The chunky funbag went on to add, “The president’s opener, ‘Today I stand before the United Nations General Assembly to share the extraordinary progress we’ve made’ had them giggling but when he hit them with ‘In less than two years, my administration has accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country,’ they were literally rolling in the aisles.”

Ms. Funbag then went on to describe the president’s delight at his audience’s reaction to his one-liners, “When Mr. Trump said ‘I didn’t expect that reaction but that’s okay,’ he was telling his version of the truth which, for a change, in this case was actually the truth. He was delighted and as high as a kite when he came off stage. The president decided there and then that the stand-up circuit was to be his next conquest.”

Ms. Huckelberry Hound then went on to admit that the president would need fresh material for any new gigs and said that a team of professional jokesters were working up a new set for the president. She went on to give some one-liners that Trump already has in the bag and whom they’re attributed to.

“‘We will not co-operate with the ICC. We will provide no assistance to the ICC. We will not join the ICC. We will let the ICC die on its own. After all, for all intents and purposes, the International Court of C*nts is already dead to us’ is one of old Mister Pastry himself, John Bolton’s knock ‘em dead one-liners. ‘We remain committed to achieving a lasting and comprehensive peace that offers a brighter future for both Israel and the Palestinians’ is a classic knock out puncher from Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. and ‘While I am Attorney General, the actions of the Department of Justice will not be improperly influenced by political considerations. I demand the highest standards, and where they are not met, I take action. However, no nation has a more talented, more dedicated group of law enforcement investigators and prosecutors than the United States’ is a real zinger-stinger from old ‘cabbage patch’ himself, the sideways glancer and albino funster, AG Jeff Sessions.”

When asked by the ever-present reporter from the HuffPost if the president had any dates planned for his tour, Ms. Sanders said enigmatically, “It all depends.”

The reporter from the UK comic ‘The Beano’ pressed her for clarification on this point, to which she replied, “You can’t tour if you’re in chokey is all I’ll say.”

This was taken to be a reference either to outcome of the Mueller enquiry or to a spell in a Russian prison on his return home if he fails to get re-elected.

 
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