UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Marco Rubio Is Scheduled To Fight Salt Bae At UFC 229

Marco Rubio Is Scheduled To Fight Salt Bae At UFC 229

Junior Senator of Florida Marco Rubio is scheduled to battle Instagram-famous chef Salt Bae at UFC 229, according to an announcement made by UFC President Dana White on Thursday. White told Flake News reporters that "both Bae and Rubio are itching to fight each other after their Twitter beef flared up last week. Now, they'll get their chance to do battle on October 6th at the T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas, Nevada."

Salt Bae released a video through Instagram on Thursday, saying that "Marco Rubio is a little frat boy peasant who could barely beat Alex Jones at WWE Hell in a Cell. Now, imagine that same political chump going up against a maestro of fine foods. I'll dash him like a pinch of salt onto steak!"

Rubio sent out a tweet, also acknowledging White's announcement and sending out a warning to his opponent at UFC 229. "That weirdo Salt Bae is in over of his head when it comes to fighting Big Marco in the octagon," said Rubio. "He should stick to prepping meals for dictators like Venezuela's Nicolas Maduro and North Korea's Kim Jong Un."

The viral chef responded to Rubio's tweet, writing that "I know Rubio feels more comfortable receiving donations from the NRA than fighting me in a cage. Well, I have a donation to deliver to him myself. That donation is a big, juicy punch to the face!"

Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro is set to accompany Salt Bae to the octagon at UFC 229. Similarly, NRA President Oliver North announced that he will be accompanying Rubio to the fight in Las Vegas.

Maduro sent out a tweet, writing that "Nothing will be more delicious than watching my good friend Salt Bae take down Lil' Marco for the entire world to see. The only thing more delicious than that is eating a $275 steak while 90% of my citizens are impoverished."

North also sent out a tweet, writing that "Rubio is sure to receive a salary bonus from the NRA if he's able to put down that commie salt-sprinkler."

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-SA-2.0

Following His Successful UN Stand-Up Routine, Trump Plans More Gigs

Following His Successful UN Stand-Up Routine, Trump Plans More Gigs

Alex Jones Briefly Detained In Russia After Officiating Transgender Toad Wedding

Alex Jones Briefly Detained In Russia After Officiating Transgender Toad Wedding