Kim Offers To Decommission Nuclear Missile Test Site For A ‘Go On Melania’
The supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of (North) Korea, Kim Jong Un made the surprising announcement to a gathering of western journalists today that he was prepared to decommission and destroy a site used for the development and testing of intercontinental ballistic missiles with a range capable of reaching the United States. What’s more he is prepared to obliterate this site completely in return for a quickie with Donald Trump’s robotic wife, Melania.
“I think we clicked,” said the shy and retiring murdering despotic dictator, “If the Botox hadn’t prevented her from doing it, I’m sure she would have winked at me.”
The young dictator then went on to bemoan his declining relationship with Donald Trump which, following their successful summit, he now believed was ‘back-sliding to buggery.’
“I’ve been hanging about with Moonie from down south but it’s not the same. I thought Trumpo and me were besties, but the telephone number he gave me after our last piss-up is pants. It’s not his mobile at all, it’s London fecking zoo!”
Between slurps of lager from a tin can Kim said, “I don’t mind going swapsies with Donnie-boy for my old lady, or one of my thousands of concubines for a go on Melania. It’s no skin off my nose. They all look the same to me anyway, and that’s not a racist remark. Have you seen my spectacles? They’re like jam-jar bottoms! Because of those fecking sanctions you can’t get a decent pair of glasses in this crap-hole country.”
When asked by the ubiquitous reporter from the HuffPost whether the move to decommission his missile testing site was the first tentative step towards a denuclearized Korean peninsula, Chairman Kin shouted, “FECK OFF!”
He then went on to point out that the Korean peninsula could never be de-facto denuclearized as long as their most powerful adversary, the United States, continued to have the largest and potentially most destructive nuclear arsenal on the planet, and Korea was easily within the range of American missiles.
“They don’t have to have their silos on South Korean soil, y’know,” added the tallow tub of tyranny, “that’s why it’s a bit of a joke that Donnie-boy got all uppity about the half dozen wanky warheads I have in my garage. Still, I thought we were pals and we could finally stop spitting at each other. Now, all I want to seal the deal for a full and final declaration to the end of hostilities is a snog and a quick fiddle with one of his wives, either Ivanka or Melania, though I’d prefer the old’un. But it’s been radio silence from the big cheeseball head since our last conflab. I hope he still wants to be my pal and we can meet up again soon. If he doesn’t Xi’s gonna take the piss out of me big style next time I take my train to up to China to kiss his butt.”
On hearing this news report, President Trump was quoted as saying, “Kim who?”
Photo by Michael Vadon | CC-BY-SA-2.0