Brett Kavanaugh: Invite Me To Your House Party So I Can Show You I'm Not A Creep
New sexual assault allegations are popping up every day for Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. The prospective top judge has come up with a strategy to combat the growing list of accusations. Kavanaugh wants people all across America to invite him to their next house party to prove he is not a creep or a predator, by showing his innocence and crushing some beers with the boys (and some girls if they are willing to sign an NDA).
Kavanaugh knows his idea is very different from the typical defense. The former judge has been reading up on “Guerrilla Marketing.” He feels that randomly showing up to a frat party in Texas or a maybe a Sweet 16 in Miami might generate some positive buzz to help the nominee for America’s highest court — helping the American public view him in a more positive light, rather than the very disgusting shadow he casts currently.
We reached out to Judge Kavanaugh. After an exchange that felt like hours where he insisted we exclusively call him Brett or B-Man, he told us, “I just want to show people I am not some weirdo at parties. That I can be trusted. That I can hand a girl a beer and she doesn’t have to worry about it being tampered with. The only thing girls have to worry about me is that I will most likely strip away their rights once I am confirmed.” Brett then told us to ignore that last sentence and texted us later that same night saying, “Yo, wasn’t that weird when I said that thing about women’s rights. Can we just ignore that?”
Brett Kavanaugh is in a tough spot. Most people with a conscience think he’s scummy. He continues to keep his name in the running for the Supreme Court, even though no dad in the world would let their daughter be in the same building alone with him.
We will update you if anyone invites him to a party. Hopefully, the event is well lit and someone has an eye on him at all times.