Ted Cruz: If Elected, My Opponent Will Take The Flavor Out Of Barbecue!
DALLAS, TX - As the first of three debates to be held in the election for Texas’ US Senator approached, US Representative Beto O’Rourke and incumbent US Senator Ted Cruz took advantage of what’s left of summer and had a good ole fashion Texas Barbecue outside the Southern Methodist University - where the debate would take place at 6 pm central time.
Turns out they were both on the menu.
“I hope everyone enjoys this barbecue, because if a Democrat is elected, we’re gonna have cows and pigs as house pets and our grandaddy’s secret sauce will be reserved for Tofu! Tofu!” Ted Cruz warned as he basted some meat.
The crowd shuddered in terror.
“Oh Ted, let’s take this out of Cruz control, shall we? I never said anything about abolishing barbecue, but I am glad you mention tofu, because its soft substance reminds me of your stance on crime,” O’ Rourke snapped back while sprinkling chives into an almost finished sauce as he stood at his barbecue a few feet back.
“Look, I love barbecue, and I love a good rub,” Cruz retorted,” but Representative O’ Rourke is starting to rub me the wrong way!”
O’ Rourke hit back: “Well Senator, your recipe for Texas is:
5 parts big business
2 parts cowboy hat
2 parts gun and tobacco lobbies
3 parts corporate tax breaks,
one can Clamato mix
and any sort of olive tapenade.
Take that mix to China where a harshly supervised group of eight year olds making a fraction of what U.S workers would will paste the mix on a nice fat pig and send it back to the U.S. just in time for supper!”
Cruz hit back:
“Well, circle to the left, circle to the right! That’s nice but the uber liberal Beto here has California in his heart, and that’s where he got his recipe for Texas:
4 parts raised taxes
2 parts bikini
3 part Dianne Feinstein's cataracts
Moon rock from Jerry Brown's desk
4 cups marijuana leaves
2 parts body odor
5 parts soft penalties for illegal immigrants
3 parts yoga sweat
1 part grease from Gavin Newsom’s hair
2 parts sun tan lotion
10 parts sanctuary cities
2 part yoga pants
a little bit of red wine
lots of whine
5 parts tears of an atheist
liberal amounts of Silicone
2 parts surf wax
1 cup from one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's new fat pockets
22 parts flavorless tofu
And one man who wants the state to pay for him getting his peter cut off so he can have a sex change.
“Then create a highly intricate and bureaucratic branch of government to mix all of these ingredients together, and marinate a beef shank in them overnight. Then, the next day, heat the shank at 420 degrees for 20 minutes, or until the great state of Texas is bankrupt.”
Upon hearing this, O’ Rourke quipped, “why, oh why is Senator Cruz so obsessed with the sauce I put on my meat when he should be a little more concerned with the great state of Texas ranking 43rd in Education.”
“Look, I understand where Beto’s coming from, we are both good ole boys with Texas barbecue in our blood, but Beto’s blood is comprised of tomato sauce, brown sugar, worcester sauce and well just pure ssssssuuuuuuuccccckkkkk!”
Then O’ Rourke said:
“Sssssuuuuuucccccckkkkk - yes, yes, I believe that’s the sound it makes every time we send our jobs overseas thanks to all Cruz’ penny-pinching elite C.E.O friends.”
To which Cruz replied while waving his spatula:
‘You listen here you lily-livered, commie, Leonardo Dicaprio-sympathizing, yellow-neck Bruce Springsteen-idolizing debutante, punk rockin’ last to be picked for dodgeball, flag-burning, anthem-kneeling twerp, you need to stop talking about barbecue! Cuz in order to have barbecue, you got to have something to put the sauce on, and the only thing you know how to hunt for is deficit!”
O’ Rourke was right there with his reply:
“Fine then, if I do manage to find some deficit, maybe I’ll smother it in some of that tax protection you set up for your friends at the oil companies.”
Cruz hit back:
“Why is it you liberals are so damned afraid of oil?! That’s downright un-Texan of you. Without the right lubricant, you wouldn’t be able to screw over all of these small businesses that keep leaving the state because of your aggressive taxation!”
“Alright look, enough is enough, senator Cruz is better at barbecue than I am, I will concede that, he’s a better hunter and a better cook. In fact, if you want to see his best cooking, simply look at his campaign finance spending records and how he cooked those.”
When Flake News asked the two politicians if they would collaborate on a Texas Political Barbecue Recipe Book when this was all over, Cruz responded:
“Well, it’s like this, the best Texas barbecue still has the fat, and you just let it drip right off, but there is no barbecue pit in the world that could melt the fat off my opponent’s spending plan!”
O’Rourke added: “Any good barbecue book is gonna talk about marinade, and, well, to me, the state of Texas has been marinating in GOP good ole boy cronyism for decades now, and it’s time for a new breed of politician who considers all Texans!”