POTUS CFO Fantasized About 'Erasing' Eric And Donald Jr.
Flake News caught up with Chief Financial Officer, money-launderer extraordinaire and gatekeeper to POTUS’s ill-gotten billions, Allen Weisselberg, who confessed to federal prosecutors that, if he could, he would have “erased” or “wiped out” Trump Organization partners, Eric Trump and Donald Trump, Jr.
Granted immunity in return for spilling his guts about the salaciously-fascinating-yet-seriously-disgusting Michael Cohen/Stormy Daniels/Karen McDougal maelstrom, the cherubic Weisselberg, who resembles a somewhat demented organ-grinder, was equally forthcoming in his comments about Trump spawn, Eric and Donald, Jr.
“Eric is like the Jolly Green Giant if the Jolly Green Giant was a moron,” he said. “A six foot five inch stump.”
Weisellberg added, “As far as both brothers go, you’d be hard-pressed to find two bigger nincompoops. Neither one could grab his ass with both hands. Junior, especially, has taken idiocy to new heights.”
When asked to elaborate, Weisselberg shrugged and answered, “C’mon. Every decision this kid makes is a bad one. He’s always in the news, and always for the wrong reasons. He tweets BS. Calls people morons for bad grammar when he can barely string together an intelligible sentence, himself. And then, that thing with the elephant. That poor friggin’ elephant.”
We waited as Weisselberg licked his index finger, smoothed out an errant hair on his mustache then added, “He killed an innocent animal who was just minding its own business -- maybe just looking for a quiet place to take a dump or whatever -- and took a selfie of it for God’s sake. Now that’s a prick. Or a little prick. Take your pick.”
Flake News pressed Weisselberg on what it was like to work with the Orange Troll’s sons on a daily basis.
“When I found out I had to share the reins with those two I seriously thought about quitting, but how stupid would that be? Walking away from that kind of money? And speaking of ‘stupid,” ask Eric or Donald, Jr. what two plus two is and they’ll answer, ‘six.’ That’s what I was dealing with: Two ignoramuses with too much money and too few brain cells.”
As a final thought, Weisselberg confessed, “I thought about erasing them all the time, you know? Just wiping them out so I wouldn’t have to see their stupid mugs again. Maybe if I were a different kind of guy…”
Sculpted in Plastalina clay, molded and cast in latex. Hair hand applied. Makeup hand-painted. Pencil hand made.