Trump Imposes Tariffs On Colombia’s Drug Trade To 'Bring These Jobs Back To America'
In a long expected move it was announced today that the US will be imposing new tariffs on the world’s drug trade in general and on Colombia’s drug barons in particular. The illegal drugs ‘narconomics’ are spectacular in the US. It is estimated that Americans spend in excess of $110 billion a year, the majority on cannabis related products but a significant amount on cocaine, heroin and meth respectively.
“Not one single cent is collected in taxes on this trade, and what’s worse, the cultivation and production of this crap takes place in foreign countries, most of which are the crap countries,” barked the president to the assembled pack of news hounds, “This is clearly disadvantageous to the US and unfair, so I’m imposing heavy tariffs on these crooks in the hope it’ll bring them to their senses.”
The ever present reporter from the UK children’s comic ‘the Beano’ pressed the president to explain what he meant.
“I mean this, itiot! We’ve got fields. We’ve got laboratories. We’ve got violent criminals, all equally as capable of making and pushing our own junk to smack heads as those South American bozos. I’m going to bring these jobs back home and make America grot again!”
The president went on to cite examples of Colombian drug barons living off the hard earned cash from American junkies.
“That’s not right,” snapped the president, “I’ve seen pictures of rooms full of $100 dollar bills stacked to the ceilings that these crooks have. They can’t even spend it. They’re holed up in their crappy casas just looking at their money. They don’t have Wal-Mart or any other stores down there. They use those $100 notes for wiping their butts for Chrissakes! That money should be used to wipe the butts of American citizens.”
When pressed as to whether this was the harbinger to a relaxation of Americas strict drug laws Trump shouted, “No way! I don’t drink. I don’t take drugs. I don’t use any external stimulants, chemical or otherwise. All Americans should be clean living like me. Drug users? They’re scum. In fact I’m increasing FBI funding to hunt down these suckers, lock ‘em all up and throw away the keys.”
It was pointed out to the president by the ubiquitous reporter from the HuffPost that what the president was proposing was dichotomous with mutually conflicting end goals, one being the desire to bring all illegal drugs production within the US territories and the other being to crush the market for any home produced drugs.
“It won’t work like that, idiot!” barked the president, “After all the help I’d be giving these guys to set up their drugs businesses I’d expect something in return.”
When asked what this was, Trump shouted, “Loyalty! As soon as they started up I’d expect these lowlifes to turn themselves in.”
It was general consensus amongst the press pack that if Trump wasn’t on drugs now, then he should be, preferably high dosage Mogadon.