UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Must-See Highlights From Alex Jones vs. Marco Rubio: WWE Hell In A Cell Results

Must-See Highlights From Alex Jones vs. Marco Rubio: WWE Hell In A Cell Results

The WWE Universe went wild when the Infowars host Alex Jones entered the AT&T Center with Hulk Hogan's "Real American" theme song playing in the background. Jones was accompanied down the aisle with Infowars reporter Paul Joseph Watson, who was told to go to the back as Jones wanted to fight Marco Rubio alone "like a man should." The Infowars host then scaled up the crimson red cell and looked down, waiting for the "frat boy" opponent to make his entrance.

Junior Senator of Florida Marco Rubio came out to a mixed reaction with the theme song of the 1978 cult classic Animal House blasting throughout the arena. Rubio walked down to the Hell in a Cell alone, as he told Flake News reporters in an interview earlier that night, "I'm gonna take the fight to that nutcase weirdo one-on-one. No one will be helping. No Ted Cruz. No Jeb Bush. No social media censorship. No gay frogs. Just straight up Marco kicking your butt!"

Rubio quickly scaled up the cell like a cat on Red Bull. Jones charged at the senator and hit him with a roaring forearm, knocking the Florida politician down on the red steel grates. Rubio returned to his feet with a kip-up and started throwing shots at his opponent who blocked almost every blow. The senator hit Jones with a super-kick which only staggers the gay frog enthusiast. Jones charged at Rubio who jumps out of the way, causing the Infowars host to almost run right off the cell. Jones caught himself at the edge and appeared to be losing balance. The Infowars host turned around to Rubio who kicked him squaw in the nuts. With a look of pain in his bloodshot eyes, Jones grabbed at his injured privates and fell like a stone down the cell and onto the Spanish announcer's table below.

"Oh my God, he killed him!" yelled Jim "JR" Ross who was a guest commentator for this match alongside Jerry "The King" Lawler. "He must be broken in half!"

EMTs, paramedics, referees and Paul Joseph Watson rushed down to ringside to check on the health of Alex Jones. The Infowars host was placed on a stretcher and was wheeled down the aisle by EMTs and paramedics. But halfway down the aisle, Jones sat up, unstrapped himself from the stretcher and limped back towards the cell as the audience cheered.

Rubio scaled down the cell and started brawling with Jones. Both men finally entered the ring and the bell rang, signifying the start of the match. Jones knocked down Rubio with a stiff right hook before performing a baseball slide out of the ring. The Infowars host searched under the ring and pulled out a mysterious gray-silk bag closed with a black string.

Jones reentered the ring and poured out the contents of the bag beside his opponent, letting out a stream of hopping gay frogs. Rubio was attacked by a throng of tongues snapping at him as he squirmed on the mat. The Infowars host ascended the top rope and appeared to be setting Rubio up for an elbow drop, but then Jones was pushed down to the canvas by CNN's Oliver Darcy with a goblin-like grin on his face.

The Infowars host was stunned, lying on the mat, looking up at the bright lights of the AT&T Center in San Antonio, Texas. Rubio started frantically stomping on Jones who was able to catch the frat boy's foot and flung him across the ring and into the turnbuckle. Darcy appeared frightened as Jones' Hulked-up and chased him around the ring. Jones grabbed Darcy by the neck and threw him into the cell, breaking off a portion of the steel structure as Darcy flew out of hell, crashing into the ringside barricade.

Jones returned the fight to the ring. He hit Rubio with a sit-down powerbomb and locked him into a torture rack submission hold. The Infowars creator looked primed for victory until he was attacked by a mob of cyber and social media symbols. Jones was knocked senseless by Apple, Facebook, YouTube, Spotify, Pinterest, Mail Chimp, and LinkedIn. The Twitter bird finished the job by flying into the ring and hitting Jones with a brass beak.

Twitter then pulled an unconscious Rubio on top of Jones for the three count. All the social media giants lift the knocked-out senator on top of their shoulders in celebration to a mixed reaction from the crowd.

Results: Marco Rubio defeats Alex Jones

 

Photo by Sean P. Anderson from Dallas, TX, USA | CC-BY-2.0

Trump Imposes Tariffs On Colombia’s Drug Trade To 'Bring These Jobs Back To America'

Trump Imposes Tariffs On Colombia’s Drug Trade To 'Bring These Jobs Back To America'

Rotten Tomatoes Set To Review All News Media Outlets

Rotten Tomatoes Set To Review All News Media Outlets