Trump Puts Puerto Rico Hurricane Death Toll At Zero ‘If We Don’t Count The Zombies’
In yet another bizarre adjustment of the truth by Donald Trump today, the president stated that the number of people that lost their lives in the Puerto Rico hurricane was in fact zero.
“The Democrats are behind the figure of 3,000 deaths,” asserted the wild eyed president to the assembled press, “They’re doing it just to make me look bad. But it’s all fake news… yes, fake news. In truth nobody died!”
When it was pointed out to the president that official records on the island, compiled by officials, officially put the death toll at 2,975, Trump barked, “That’s bodies, not dead people, idiot!”
When pressed by the ubiquitous journalist from the HuffPost to explain what he meant, Trump shouted, “Have you folks never heard of zombies?”
To the stunned assembly of journalists, Trump went on to proclaim, “It’s a known fact I just invented that there’s a lot of voodoo and black magic type stuff goes on in these crap countries. Okay, technically these rotting corpses wouldn’t pass a medical but that doesn’t make them dead. I’ve seen the movies. As soon as it’s dark these suckers start to slouch around looking for human brains to eat… human brains… can you believe that?”
To unanimous calls of ‘no’ from the press pack, the president continued by saying, “I saved that fecking island from total destruction, using my own money and my super-powers. I ran in circles on the island, counter clockwise at supersonic speed, to neutralize the hurricane, otherwise there would have been over ten million people killed.”
It was pointed out that the population on the island was only 3.337 million to which the president replied, “Yeah, but once again you fake news hounds are deliberately not including the zombies!” He then pointed his thumb at his ever present albino shadow, Mike Pence, and shouted, “Guys like him.”
The reporter from the UK comic ‘the Beano’ then asked Trump if he had recently had a medical and if that included a psychiatric examination. The president stared briefly at the journo then pointed at him and screamed, “Lankester Merrin!” before running from the room.
The UN later released a short statement recognizing the number of poor souls that had perished as a result of the Puerto Rico hurricane as officially being 2,975, and that no zombies, dead or undead, were included in the total.