Perennial Hypocrite Kavanaugh Blames Scorsese For Gambling Addiction
The Orange Troll’s latest bit of bad decision making – the nomination of Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court – has taken a typically foul turn with the disclosure that the filibustering Kavanaugh (who famously refused to shake the hand of the father of a shooting victim) had, in 2016, racked up sizable debt in the purchasing of “baseball tickets for friends,” as well as from his fondness for, and general ineptitude, at craps.
The questionable SCOTUS nominee, who the Orange Troll chose for the sole purpose of keeping his own corrupt ass out of prison, was in the midst of a hot and heavy online poker game when we caught up with him at a local iHop, where, according to wait staff, he spent a lot of time “just hangin’ out.”
After identifying ourselves to his “handlers,” who were stationed by a back exit alongside Kavanaugh’s corner cube, we slid into the seat across from the good judge and waited while he commenced to losing another shitload of money.
Finally, disgusted, he slapped his Chromebook and shoved it aside. “Dang. That’s gonna hurt. Ashley’s gonna fry my butt for that one,” said Kavanaugh as he pulled his cooling Short Stack closer and forked a big mouthful.
“So,” he mouthed around his pancakes. “What do you want to know? I’m an open book.” That was all we needed to hit him with the Big One: “If you’re confirmed, Judge Kavanaugh, do you plan to overturn Roe v. Wade?”
He swallowed, winked, slapped a palm on the table and said, “Place your bets.”
Segue time: When Flake News asked Kavanaugh why he continues to gamble in spite of an apparent lack of aptitude, he swiped at a drizzle of maple syrup on his tie with his finger, sucked it off and replied, “For Christ’s sake. Didn’t you see the movie, ‘Casino?’”
After confirming that we have indeed seen “Casino,” Kavanaugh leaned forward and in a conspiratorial tone, uttered, “It’s all about the COOL, ya know? Ace Rothstein. Nicky Santoro. And Ginger! Man, I’d tap that in a New York minute!”
When we pointed out that these were characters, played by actors, albeit inspired by real-life individuals, the upstanding upholder of the law, huffed, “So what’s your point? Real. Not real. They still made gambling cool as hell. In fact, I blame Martin Scorsese for my problem which really isn’t a problem in my humble opinion. HE directed it. De Niro. Pesci. Vegas. The Stones! It doesn’t get any freakin’ cooler than that. Yeah. It’s Scorcese’s fault that I love to gamble. If you – and all the other fake news outlets out there -- have to blame somebody, blame him.”
After pointing out to the Short Stack-stuffed judge that we are FLAKE News, not The Fake News, we culminated the interview by asking Kavanaugh if he thought being beaten to a bloody pulp and buried alive in the desert was “cool as hell,” he snapped his fingers for the check, thought for a moment, then replied, “Hey it was a movie. Who knows if that really happened?”
Sculpted in Plastalina Clay, molded and cast in latex. Makeup hand-painted, hair hand-pieced. Hanger, from artist’s new collection.