Trump Brings Back Expelled Spies After Putin Declares Russian Suspects In Poisonings ‘Harmless Tourists On A Tight Schedule’
President Donald Trump shocked the nation today when he invited the sixty recently expelled Russian ‘diplomats’ (euphemism for spies) to return to the US and resume their spying duties. The Russian spies were thrown out of the US against Trump’s wishes when the British government accused the Russian secret service, the GRU, of poisoning British citizen and ex Russian top agent Sergei Skripal, and his daughter Yulia, using the nerve agent Novichok.
Extensive British police investigations identified two Russian men as the probable culprits and tracked their movements in detail from their landing in the UK, twice visiting Salisbury where the attack took place, then returning to Russia, all in the space of two days. The Prime Minister of Britain, Theresa May, went further and accused both men of being GRU officers acting under orders given directly from the Kremlin, probably by Putin himself.
The Russian authorities have dismissed the accusations as nonsense. Putin was quoted as saying, “I know these boys. They’re not GRU officers. They’re just harmless tourists with a passion for whistle-stop visits to cathedrals. They’ve always wanted to see what Salisbury cathedral looks like, especially the view from outside that stinking traitor Skripal’s front door.”
It was pointed out to the balding kleptocrat and assassin puppeteer that it was highly implausible that the two men were tourists.
“What kind of tourist would fly into Stanstead, stay in London, travel to Salisbury then back to London on the Saturday, then travel back to Salisbury on Sunday, returning to London within a couple of hours before boarding a flight for Russia from Heathrow, all within 48 hours?” asked the ever present reporter from HuffPost.
“Ones on a tight schedule,” said Putin dismissively.
A reporter from the UK comic ‘The Beano’ asked Putin to explain why neither man went anywhere near Salisbury cathedral or any other place of interest in the UK. However, both men were caught on CCTV 30 yards from Skripol’s front door.
“They were lost,” barked Putin, “UK SatNav is pants. Anyway, what GRU agent in his right mind would be dumb enough to rely on British train services on a Sunday? Is a joke, yes?”
To a packed press gathering, President Trump said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this but Putin’s scheduled to annex a few of our east coast states in 2022, according to the orders he’s given me. I could have waited till then but I’ve decided to bring the boys back early. If the boss says his guys had nothing to do with that Salisbury screw up then that’s fine by me. I believe Putin ahead of those mealy mouthed whining Brits any day of the week and twice on Sundays. Their secret service monkeys are even worse than ours.”
As VP Mike Pence dragged the president away from the lectern Trump was heard to shout, “… And that Theresa May’s no piece of eye candy. She’s like a buzzard’s head on a stick.”
Photo by Kremlin.ru | CC-BY-4.0 International