3D Printers Now Capable Of Printing New President
Arbutus, Maryland - 3D printing company, Laser-X, announced yesterday in it’s monthly conference call with reporters that it has perfected the technology to print a new United States President.
Laser-X CEO Jeff Beckwith excitedly claims, “This is the dawning of a new day for the citizens of this country.” Beckwith added, “Your new 3D President will be able to perform all of the tasks of our current President. Tweeting, bullying, whining, tweeting…just with more efficiency.”
Consumer advocacy groups warn it’ll be costly, at first. “Sort of like when the Blu-ray player came out,” says Wired magazine editor, Nicholas Thompson. “Think of the possibilities though!”
Beckwith insists that just because the technology is now available to create this printable President, it will only be used in an emergency and will not be commercially available. “We would be doing this country a great injustice by allowing everyone to march into Best Buy, plop down a couple thousand dollars, go home and print their own President.” Beckwith continued, “The founding fathers did not write the Constitution with a million printable Presidents in mind.”
When asked what type of emergency would constitute the 3D printing of a new President, Beckwith said, “Suppose a series of inevitable events were to occur, such as impeachment. Assuming the Country doesn’t want anyone else in the current administration assuming the role of Commander in Chief, that’s where Laser-X would come into play.”
President Trump, as expected, was not keen on the idea, as evidenced by a series of early morning tweets.
“Low energy Beckwith is at it again. He couldn’t afford a night at Mar-a-Lago last winter, so he resorts to cheap shots.”
“This was Obama’s idea, wasn’t it?”
A spokesman for the National Rifle Association echoed President Trump, calling the idea treasonous. “We have every right to print a copious amount of dangerous and undetectable guns, capable of inflicting the maximum amount of damage possible. We do not, have the right to replace our President with a printable version.”
Beckwith insisted this was not going to lead to the proliferation of printable President’s. “Not going to happen,” he said. “Only I know the printer password.”
Beckwith, a longtime Baltimore Orioles fan, was asked in the weekly conference call why he wouldn’t just print a new third baseman for his O’s, given the fact that they traded theirs away for prospects. “It isn’t like I haven’t thought of that,” Beckwith said. “I wouldn’t feel right interfering with the sanctity of something as important as America’s pastime.”
Photo by Leah Mark | CC-BY-SA-2.0