Trump Announces Plan To Make Himself The Tallest Man In America
Following on from the revelation that on the day the Twin Towers fell, real estate businessman and sicko Donald J Trump was speaking to radio station WWOR when he veered off to brag about his nearby 71-story skyscraper, claiming the title of highest building in Lower Manhattan, the president has revealed a controversial plan to make himself the tallest man in America.
Donald Trump has been measured both standing and lying on his back. In both cases he is recorded as being 1.9 meters from the ground (just under 6ft 3 inches in old money). Not content with being taller than Barack Obama (1.85 m) and Danny DeVito (1.47 m) he wants to be taller than every other man in the United States.
“I’m the goddam president, for Chrissakes. I should be able to stare down my nose at all you minions,” barked Mr. Trump when he made his announcement. The president then unveiled plans to have US male citizens’ legs shortened so that no man’s overall height will exceed 1.5 meters.
“We got $6bn set aside for the job,” the president continued, pumping the air with both fists, “And we’ll be using real surgeons with anesthetic and all that kind of stuff, so there’ll be no pain, guys… no pain. It’s the patriotic thing to do. It’s for the good of me… oh, and the country, Russ… er, America… great country.”
Trump went on to inform those men that will be operated on that his wife / daughter, Ivanka, has set up a new company that will be selling special boots called ‘Trumptoes Happi-Hoppers.’ These will be for those men that are particularly tall, e.g. basketball players that have had a couple of feet taken off (literally). The boots will be fitted with strong springs to help the wearer bounce up and down, and will contain a microchip that stops the wearer bending at the knee when the national anthem is played.
“You’ve all heard of my new Space Force, right?” said the president, “Well, here’s another. My new ‘Tall Force’ will be set up and in operation by Christmas. Teams of Height Inspectors will scour the country early in the New Year to measure how tall men are and, where appropriate, reassigning them their new height.”
When asked to comment James LeBron said, “That’s bad enough, but the guy’s famous for having ‘small hands.’ What next? If he starts going ‘down south’ I’m leaving the fecking country.”
A spokesman for probity in public office commented, “There are no boundaries to this president’s insanity, amorality and greed. Are you aware that following the Twin Towers horror, Trump unconscionably claimed $150,000 from the government to cover ‘rent losses and ‘repairs.’ The money had originally been set aside for help put small businesses in the area back on their feet. Is there no depth to which this Commander-in-Chief will not stoop? That said, I’m only 1.45 meters tall so I should be okay.”
Women will not be included in this mass shortening of the population. When asked why the president said, “I like to grope uphill.”