Alex Jones Is Permanently Banned From Officiating Weddings For Gay Frogs
Infowars host Alex Jones has been given a lifetime ban on officiating the wedding of gay frogs, according to a joint-statement released by multiple wildlife agencies. These agencies cite "offensive, angry, and hate-filled speech" said by Jones that "endanger the welfare of the many frogs in the LGBTQ+ community" and as a result "Mr. Jones will no longer be allowed to officiate any gay frog weddings going forward."
Both Jones and Infowars have been condemned by The Wildlife Conservation Society, the World Society For The Protection of Animals, Paws, Wildlife Alliance, the International Fund For Animal Welfare, and many more wildlife agencies. They all joined together to pressure governments worldwide to prohibit Jones from officiating the wedding of gay frogs. According to statements released by multiple government and wildlife organizations, Jones is permanently banned from officiating a gay wedding of any kind, whether it be amphibian or human.
US President Donald Trump released a statement on Twitter, writing that, "It's a shame that Alex Jones is being attacked from social media giants all the way to global wildlife organizations. They have all joined forces with local and foreign government to say, ‘Sorry, Alex, you can't officiate a gay frog wedding today.’ There's nothing I can do."
Trump followed up his written statement with an additional tweet. "If you want, I can make you a priest at a transgender toad wedding in Russia. I'll really have to pull some strings with Putin. But I can get it done, believe me."
An anonymous source close to Jones said that the Infowars host is "an absolute wreck, not because of his social media bans, he can deal with that. But when he found out that he's not allowed to officiate the weddings of gay frogs, that's when he really blew his top."
Jones' gay frog wedding ban comes after a string of social media restrictions for the infamous Infowars frontman. Jones and all of his Infowars content has been removed from Facebook, YouTube, Apple, Spotify, and most recently Twitter. Similarly, all Alex Jones accounts have been deleted from Pinterest, MailChimp, and LinkedIn.
"Alex has been crying for hours since he got the news," said the same anonymous source. "He has been watching network television, eating bonbons, crying, and chugging tap water filled with a mixture of Super Male Vitality and atrazine. He says it makes him ‘feel closer to the gay frogs.’"
Photo by Nick Mollberg | CC-BY-2.0