UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

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How Low Can You Go?

How Low Can You Go?

Last week a man made faces while standing behind Donald Trump. The man, known only as Plaid Shirt Guy, became instantly famous. This reminded me of Ken Bone. You've probably already forgotten Ken Bone ever existed. Ken Bone became instantly famous after the second presidential debate of 2016. Because I “sort of” transcribed all the debates for my blog, I thought it would be fun to take a look back and see how far we haven't come since then.

The second presidential debate took place on Sunday, October 9, 2016, but it actually began on Friday, October 7, 2016. That was the day the Access Hollywood tape was released. This put Donnie in a most terrible mood. An hour before the debate began, he dropped a bomb that threatened to change the whole game of the election.

Appearing alongside Donnie at a small press conference were Paula Jones and others. Each of the four women expressed their support for Donald Trump, then collected their twenty-five hundred dollar check.

Ka-Boom.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Donald Trump.

Dear @realDonaldTrump,

Yeah, so, we already knew about Paula Jones and company. Your actions have led me to believe your apology that night wasn't sincere. It seems you think Bill Clinton's sexcapades excuse your inexcusable behavior. I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.

Own your crap.

Best Wishes,

Jennifer Loy

Now we begin the “sort of” transcription of the debate.

The debate is being moderated by Anderson Cooper and Martha Raddatz. It's a town hall debate. Audience members will be asking asinine questions.

AC360: Mr. Trump, about that Access Hollywood tape. Do you understand you bragged about committing sexual assault?

DJT: ISIS is chopping off the heads of people. People heads are being chopped.

AC360: Are you saying you haven't groped women without their consent?

DJT: We need to make America safe again. The heads of people are being chopped off in the Middle East and these people, the ones doing the head chopping, not the ones without heads, are pouring into our country.

AC360: Secretary Clinton, what's your take on the Access Hollywood tape?

HRC: Why is anyone surprised by this? He's been saying disgusting things for over a year now. I shall go through the list: Miss Universe, Rosie O'Donnell, Megyn Kelly, John McCain, African Americans, immigrants, Latinos, Muslims, the disabled, BuzzFeed...

M.R.: A Facebook user wants to know how you've changed since that Access Hollywood video.

DJT: Bill Clinton. Did you see the four women I brought here tonight? Words are things people say. I said words. Bill Clinton is the worst in the history of politics in America. Paula Jones is here tonight and Hillary Clinton should be ashamed of herself.

HRC: Own your crap, Donald.

DJT: You started birtherism and Michelle Obama doesn't like you. I saw a commercial. I read on WikiLeaks how the DNC screwed over Bernie Sanders, and now he's made a deal with the devil. And I would know, because he tells me about all his deals. Satan and I make the best deals. That's what we're known for. Making great deals, okay. If I win, I'm throwing you in jail for the crimes of acid washing emails and being very not nice to me.

M.R.: Secretary Clinton, what about those emails?

HRC: Jesus Christ, Martha. How many times do I have to answer this question?

DJT: I'm not trying to hear that. Hillary Clinton should be ashamed of herself.

AC360: We're going to a question from an audience member.

DJT: Anderson, why aren't you bringing up the emails?

AC360: We just did that.

DJT: No, the lady reporter did that. It doesn't count.

AC360: We're moving on.

DJT: Everyone is ganging up on me. Not fair.

Audience Member: I'm a Muslim. What will you do about the growing problem of Islamophobia in America?

DJT: That's a real problem and I wish I could help you. But when our leaders refuse to say "radical Islamic terrorism" and the guy in San Bernardino and the other Muslims saw dozens and dozens of bombs in his apartment. Nobody said anything. We can't keep letting people into our country. We could be politically correct, but there is a problem with Muslims. And I'm sorry to have to say this, but I think you should leave.

M.R.: WikiLeaks released portions of Secretary Clinton's paid speeches. We have a question from Facebook regarding politicians having public and private positions.

HRC: I was talking about the movie Lincoln directed by Steven Spielberg. It's a good movie. Check it out. Martha, I think what's really important here is that Russia and that rapist behind WikiLeaks are hacking into our systems to sway this election.

DJT: Now she's blaming the late great Abraham Lincoln for Bill Clinton's affairs. They don't know that it was Russia. Nobody knows that it was Russia. I mean, yes, Secretary Clinton and I know it's Russia, because we received the same security briefing where we were each told by intelligence officials that Russia is doing the hacking. But what does that prove? I'm doing the old post office on Pennsylvania Avenue. The United States government chose me to do the old post office because my balance sheets. Warren Buffet took a huge tax deduction, and I know this because when you're a shady person, other people start acting shady, but they’re just imitating. Yeah, I took a huge tax deduction, but y’all act like you’ve never seen a white person before. Jaws all on the floor. I’m Slim Shady, yes, I’m the real Shady. All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating. I'll release my taxes when this totally routine fifteen-year audit is complete. Post office.

AC360: We have a question from an audience member.

Audience Member: What will you do to ensure rich bastards pay their fair share in taxes?

DJT: I've taken advantage of the tax codes. Hillary Clinton complains, 'Oh, Donald Trump doesn't pay enough taxes.' But she was Senator and she could have changed the tax codes. She could have. I am, perhaps, one of the best understanders of government, and I know one Senator by herself has the power to change the tax codes. Why didn't she do it, folks? For thirty years she hasn't done it, and now they put out negative ads against Donald Trump. That's why she hasn't changed the tax codes. So they can go after Donald Trump.

HRC: Donald hasn't paid taxes in twenty years because he claimed a billion dollar loss of other people's money.

AC360: Mr. Trump, did you use that billion dollar loss to avoid paying federal taxes?

DJT: Of course, I do. Hillary Clinton could have stopped me, but she didn't because she has donors. Donors are people with money. People with money are just like me, and none of us pay taxes. Hillary Clinton doesn't want to do anything about stopping people like me, and I think that's disgraceful.

AC360: Can you say how many years you have avoided paying federal taxes?

DJT: No, but I pay taxes. I pay tremendous numbers of taxes. I've paid federal taxes, I think in 1982, maybe. Who knows? But, again, Hillary Clinton didn't stop me from using the loopholes in the tax codes. And I understand the tax codes better than anyone who has ever run for President. And Bernie Sanders – Hillary Clinton has bad judgment. She has bad judgment for letting me get away with tax evasion for my entire adult life. She has bad judgment because she, along with President Obama, created a vacuum and ISIS happened. Way to go, loser.

Audience Member: Do you believe you can be a devoted President for all the people of the United States?

DJT: Sure. Hillary Clinton called my supporters deplorable, because, and you know this, some of my supporters are in the Ku Klux Klan. So what? Does that mean they don't have the same protection as the African-Americans? As the Latino Americans? As the Hispanic Americans? I will be a great President for the African-Americans, the Latino Americans, the Hispanic Americans, as well as the White Supremacist Americans. The inner cities are a disaster. Most of the blacks are living in poverty. So vote for me. What have you got to lose?

AC360: Secretary Clinton, can you defend that 'basket of deplorables' comment?

HRC: He has supporters in the Klan, Anderson. The Klan.

DJT: Hillary Clinton has tremendous hate in her heart. And I think you know that. Also, she is responsible for her husband's affairs. I'm throwing her in jail when I'm President. Remember that. Trump said it first, folks. Tremendous hate in her heart.

M.R.: We have a question from an audience member.

Audience Member: How would you go about selecting a Supreme Court Justice?

HRC: I would pick the person with the best experience.

DJT: I would pick the person who is nicest to me.

AC360: We have a question from an audience member.

Audience Member: I'm Ken Bone. I'm wearing a bright red sweater. I will be famous for a few days after this. No one knows why. What would you do about clean energy and minimizing job loss?

I could tell you about the candidates’ answers, but none of that matters. All that matters is Ken Bone was wearing a bright red sweater. The makers of that ugly red sweater will completely sell out of bright red sweaters in two days. God bless America.

 

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-2.0

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