Roseanne Conner Asks President Trump To Eulogize Her
“It’s an unknown. I guess he’ll be mopey and sad because his wife’s dead.” – John Goodman, on the prospects of life without television wife and icon Roseanne Conner
Shame on you famous dead people who have died since Trump became president and did not invite him to speak at your funerals. What is wrong with you?
The esteemed former First Lady, Barbara Bush shunned our president. American hero John McCain did too. The repeated assaults on our beloved president’s larger than life ego certainly hasn’t been fair to his quiet disposition and perfectly coiffed hair. His warm, orange exterior most certainly masks a deep fissure of sadness in his heart for not being “the cool kid in politics.” How is he expected to Make America Great Again by simply sending out a barrage of false tweets and attending political rallies to revel in his tremendous, and historical political upset, when he should be out there, praising the reputable deceased people who had continually criticized him while alive?
Poor President Trump. It must be a source of immense embarrassment each time he is informed by the estates of the great American pillars of our society that he is not invited to attend their funerals. Like that awkward kid who never received a Valentine’s Card from anyone in class, other than the teacher. The pity card, otherwise known as the “Trump card,” must torment, to this day, our 45th President. We are responsible for his male chauvinism.
It is us, the American people, who have let down our president. Frankly, we should be proud to have elected such a strong leader who refrains from lashing out at our petulance and simple-mindedness. His willingness to work with us despite our pettiness and naivete should speak volumes to the type of man he is. To not give him the opportunity to eulogize an American hero is both tragic and embarrassing.
So, it is with a great sense of relief that one true American hero, in her death, has extended the invitation to another American hero and finally invited our beleaguered President to eulogize her in a public forum.
We, the American people, owe an enormous debt of gratitude to Roseanne Conner, the television character of Roseanne Barr, for graciously inviting the president to eulogize her at her funeral before the show reboots in the Fall. There is no better American icon for the president to heap an abundance of praise on than the oft-misunderstood and race-tweeting family matriarch of the popular television sitcom. The American people have no doubt that President Trump will refrain from talking about himself, focusing instead on the deceased, during his powerful eulogy.
No one in our great country doubts the president will rise and meet the challenge of honoring his most ardent supporter. We know his words will become the most tremendous eulogy ever given to a dead person. Some world leaders, upon hearing the oratorical skills of our fearless leader will begin de-nuclearizing weapons of mass destruction on their own. Others will decide not to interfere with our future elections. The Special Counsel will throw his hands up and rue the day he ever considered that our President would even think of doing something illegal.
It is our hope that President Trump can utilize his immense sense of humor when honoring the comedic talents of the late Roseanne Conner. After all, laughter is the best medicine. It will be the only medicine if 45 is ever able to repeal that pernicious Obamacare that has screwed everyone with access to healthcare. Feel free to use that joke in your eulogy, Mr. President. I’m sure in that setting, it’ll kill.
Photo by Leah Mark | CC-BY-SA-2.0