'Peter Piper' Popped A Pickled Pepper
The Flake News has just learned that a very inebriated David Pecker was seen leaving “Happy Chaps,” a gay strip club on the arm of its principal dancer, known only as “Peter Piper.”
According to our source, the unfortunately named American Media Inc. CEO and publisher of such publications as “The National Enquirer” and "Flex" was so drunk, he could barely stand.
“He was disheveled and spouting gibberish,” said the source. “But every now and then, he’d shout out something intelligible, like “F* ‘The Donald.’”
The source, who spotted the duo while separating whites from colors in a laundromat across the street, added that, in spite of Pecker’s over-served state, “The two were groping the heck out of one another.”
Under investigation for “catch and kill” tactics, in which AMI made payments for the exclusive rights to any stories that might damage the Orange Troll’s already sullied reputation – for example, the squashing of Karen McDougal’s reveal of their alleged affair – Pecker was ultimately granted immunity in exchange for testifying that the OT was in full knowledge of the payoffs, as well as admitting to gangster/attorney Michael Cohen’s involvement with same.
“He may be richer than God, but Pecker’s a skeevy-looking guy,” offered the source. “And that dancer was hot. I’m not gay – no way – but the dude was built. I don’t know how he could stand touching that old fart.”
Finally, when asked if he saw anything else, our source finished with, “Yeah. I saw them climb into an Uber – Pecker was practically tossed in by his butt – and before it pulled away, they got into a hot clinch. I’m no fool. I know what they were going off to do.”
The tabloid king’s wife, Karen, who, when photographed with her husband, looks like she’d rather be anywhere else than with the pecker she married, could not be reached for comment.
Sculpted, molded and cast in latex. Makeup #mehron products applied by hand. Hair applied by hand. Penis-Pecker hat, don’t ask.