Trump’s Butthole Sues For Legal And Actual Separation
In a bizarre move this morning President Donald Trump’s butthole announced it is taking legal action to physically and legally become a separate entity from the rest of the Commander-in-Chief’s body.
“Enough is enough,” declared the sphincter midway through a ‘meet the press’ event the president was hosting at the White House. The assembled press were somewhat taken aback by the announcement as the journalists were (amazingly) completely unaware the President talks out of his butt.
Ignoring Trump’s protestations that his anus did not reflect opinions he himself held, Trump’s butthole went on to say that it had appointed a legal team and they were working around the clock to prepare the case for the legal separation prior to actual surgery. The butthole declared that the world’s top surgeons were in complete sympathy with the position Trump’s butthole found itself in and several had offered their services free gratis to assist with the operation.
“I’ve put up with this jerk’s crap for long enough and I just can’t take it anymore,” said the surprisingly articulate rear exit, “Put yourself in my position. How many of you guys could stand to be attached to this adulterous lying lard-mountain twenty four seven? I’m surprised I’ve lasted this long.”
When asked what the straw that broke the butthole's back was, Trump’s colon said, “The escorts were tough on me. For a guy that’s homophobic he sure has a peculiar idea of what fun is, but it’s the Mueller thing that’s gotten me wanting to make my move. Let’s face it, he’s heading for chokey, and I sure don’t want to be the front door to the back passage when it’s bend over time in cell block H.”
Asked if the butthole had made plans for what it will do once separated from Trump, it said, “I need more room, somewhere with more space to do develop as an butthole. I’ll always be eclipsed if I stay attached to Trump. As buttholes go, they don’t come much bigger than him. My lawyers have been in contact with a whole bunch of people who are already big buttholes themselves to see if any want to take me on.”
When asked who had been contacted the butthole replied, “Piers Morgan, Nigel Farage, Rudi Giuliani, Jared Kushner, Benjamin Netanyahu, Omarosa Manigault Newman, Antony Scaramucci, Jeff Sessions and even John Bolton. So far I’ve only had one reply.”
Asked who this was from, the butthole said, “Mike Pence, and he wasn’t even approached. But I doubt I’ll take up his offer. I’ve been told he bleaches his butthole and pubic hair so his ‘collars and cuffs’ match.”