Trump Upstages McCain With His Own Virtual Funeral, ‘Biggest Crowd Since Time Began’
In an effort to upstage the funeral service for his long time enemy the Vietnam veteran, war hero, outstanding public servant and all round great guy John McCain, the cheese-ball headed self-declared greatest man on Earth, President Donald J Trump, held his own ‘virtual’ funeral at the same time as McCain was being honoured.
“It was a magnificent occasion,” crowed the president to the hastily assembled world’s press pack, “There wasn’t a dry eye in the virtual place, such was the virtual grief for the loss to mankind of so great a man as me. But the good news is I’m still here!”
The president then went on to describe the ceremony in minute and tedious detail.
“The taxpayer spared no expense to honour me. I had a gold plated sunbed as a coffin, which was carried into the Vatican… yes, that’s right, I was buried over there alongside Popes and great guys like that… by all my beautiful ex-girlfriends and sexy escorts I’ve had the pleasure of paying off. This showed what a devilishly attractive adulterer I am, and a beast in the sack despite having small hands. Eat your hearts out normal guys! The greatest ever people, both living and dead, were there to give me virtual eulogies.”
When pressed on this bizarre assertion, the president claimed that, amongst others, Napoleon, Francis of Assisi, Michael Jackson and Nelson Mandela attended and gave speeches.
“Mandela’s a smart guy, ain’t he? Real smart!” said the president, “But he broke down in tears when he told the assembled great and good throughout history that Donald J Trump was a phenomenon the world would never see the likes of again,” claimed the president, going on to say, “Despite coming from one of those crap countries and being of an ‘untannable’ skin, old Nelsie was a great guy… great guy!”
The president then read out a list of the world’s greatest overachievers since man began walking upright that had attended his virtual event and had sang his praises to the high heavens. Notables included Winston Churchill, George Washington, Jesus of Nazareth and the British comedian, Benny Hill. It was noted that in the list of over 2,000 names of virtual attending dignitaries there was only one female, Mother Theresa. The President didn’t appear to know she was dead as he went on to say about her, “Not exactly eye candy but nevertheless a good ol’ girl... crinkly skin though. Ivanka sells stuff that could help her.”
The deluded egomaniac continued with, “The outpouring of love for me was almost unbearable coming from a crowd that officially totalled over 50 billion virtual grief-stricken people, the biggest assembly of humankind in the history of history… so suck that up McCain, you albino stiff!”
When asked by Mr. Trump if there were any questions, the press pack appeared stunned and speechless apart from a few bloggers sniggering at the back of the room. After a prolonged and embarrassing silence a reporter from HuffPost hesitantly asked, “Did… er, your wife attend the event?”
“Ivanka was right there in the coffin by my side,” barked the president.
When it was pointed out that Ivanka was, in fact, his daughter, not his wife, Trump said dismissively, “Whatever.”
Mr. Trump concluded by announcing that he is planning a virtual resurrection from a virtual ‘whited sepulchre’ in three days’ time.