Mitch McConnell Announces He Is Part Seahorse, Also Pregnant
After years of speculation, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has finally come out as part seahorse. McConnell announced through tears that he has been hiding the secret for years. He finally let the world know he is in fact a half human-half seahorse hybrid. The news is a shock to the 7 fans of the senator. After McConnell regained his composure, he then announced that he was not only part seahorse, but also pregnant.
Mitch McConnell conceded his protruding neck bulge may have given away his secret. As male seahorses carry the eggs, McConnell too stores offspring in his neck. That is why over time his neck has expanded to become a chin FUPA. It also explains why Mitch McConnell always made sure to exclude aquatic lifeforms in all of his attempts to repeal Obamacare.
Vice President Mike Pence is very confused by this news. Pence says he supports the senator, but will not be shaking his hand anytime soon. When he heard McConnell was pregnant, Pence nearly fainted. The VP did have this to say, “This news is only redeemed by the fact the senator is man enough to carry his 90 seahorse children to term.”
The rest of the GOP is taking this in stride and has given Cocaine Mitch their full support. The party lacks diversity. The party is mainly just old white men with terrible hair. Now the party can rebrand itself as the party of old white men and an aquatic horseman.
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America || CC-BY-SA-2.0