Trump To Replace Ronald As McDonald’s Primary Mascot, UN Officially Declares America Insane
President and CEO of McDonald’s, Steve Easterbrook today confirmed he has signed a 5 year contract for President Trump’s image to replace that of Ronald McDonald as the company’s front line comic persona.
“Ronald McDonald has been clown character used as the primary mascot of the McDonald's fast-food restaurant chain since its inception but times change,” said Easterbrook, “Old McDonald will now be replaced with a more contemporary clown, Donald J Trump. Rather than have a fictional comic idiot we’ve decided to go for a real one. The initial contract is for 5 years but from what we’ve seen of Trump so far we expect it to roll over.”
When asked why now, Easterbrook replied, “We’ve been watching Trump carefully since he took office and he never fails to disappoint. Helping the Russians win the 2016 election, Screwing his allies, cozying up to the world’s worst despotic dictators for nothing in return, ‘bigging up’ the land grabbing and election meddling kleptocrat Putin while rubbishing his own security organizations, and starting ridiculous trade wars that’ll screw his own support base were great administration openers.
Then he followed all that up with sacking the people he gave top jobs to, one by one, praising them to high heaven when employing them then calling them all ratbags and booting them out was hilarious. All the Michael Cohen stuff was great fun, especially using Melania’s housekeeping money to give to his bent lawyer to bung the dodgy women Trump was committing adultery with was a knockout.
But the clincher was when he threatened to make flipping illegal. The idea that the Commander-in-Chief, President and leader of the free world would threaten to make it illegal for criminals to come clean to our law enforcement authorities was beyond hilarious and reached new side-splitting heights for a clown.
Donald Trump was more than happy to sign up with us but with the pre-condition that, should he ever wind up in jail, he can have fast food delivered to his cell free of charge. He specifically asked for this clause to be in perpetuity. He’s a real pro, that guy. We laughed and laughed.”
As the announcement of the contract was made the UN issued a statement confirming that the remaining 194 nations of the world want nothing further to do with America as it’s ‘gone a bit bonkers lately.’
Secretary-General António Guterres said, “We’ll miss their money but quite frankly the population must all be totally fruit-loop to put up with their current leader, Trump. But like Stormy Daniels they seem happy to swallow anything Trump spits out. In any other country someone like him would be strung up from a lamp post.”
Photo by Simon Burchell | CC-BY-SA-3.0 Unported