Trump To Honor McCain By Dropping His Trousers At Half-Mast
After much pressure from both the Democratic and Republican parties, the public and military veteran groups, President, Commander-in-Chief and leader of the free world Donald J. Trump today reversed his decision not to honour the recently deceased Senator John McCain. Trump will now be lowering his trousers to half-mast for the next 24 hours.
“It will be a great personal inconvenience to me to go about my presidential duties all day shuffling around the Oval Office with my trollies round my ankles. But at least they’ll all get off my back about that ratbag McCain,” said Trump to the world’s press.
The President confirmed that his wife, Melania, had rubbed through his novelty jocular underpants especially for the occasion, and even ironed them so they’d look clean and crisp for the photographers. She had also ensured the extra thick front padding needed for ‘small handed’ men was fluffed up to a decent sized bulge.
“Despite the padding Donny made me stuff down his boxers you should still be able to clearly read his favourite quip printed across the front,” said Melania, giving the press pack one of her robotic winks. By this she was referring to the legend printed across the front of the boxers that read, ‘I’m the Boss - Who gives a toss?’
It should be noted that the legend printed across the rear of the boxers read, ‘Danger – Noxious Gases - May Cause Vomiting!’
General consensus from the press pack was that both legends were a fair reflection of the world’s opinion of Trump.
When asked why the president had had this sudden change of heart and decided to honour his long term opponent, Trump said, “Okay, he was a ratbag but his shoestring fries were great. He claimed to have been tortured by the Vietnamese. So what? He got it free. I had to pay Stormy Daniels a lot extra for that.”
When further pressed, as he hadn’t actually answered the question, Trump went on to say, “Cohen’s a liar. I’m not the son of God… He’s my kid! I did not chop down that Cherry tree, it’s fake news… I did have sexual relations with that woman and have the receipt to prove it!”
Then, as Melania and (the ever present in the background creeping everybody out) Mike Pence started dragging him away to the applause of the journalists, the president thrust his groin towards the photographers and shouted, “Who said I had small hands? Look at my beautiful fun-pants. I’m doing a great job. You’d all be broke if I wasn’t president, you fake news scumbags.”
When informed of the President’s intentions, a spokesman for the McCain family said, “Honestly, we’d rather he kept his trousers well and truly up.”